Again we have come to the end of a very interesting ride.  Through the tears, fights, laughs, sex, and love, we have told our stories. Although they are constantly changing and our lives are constantly evolving, sometimes taking unexpected turns, one thing remains constant and that is the openness that exists among these women with whom I am so lucky to share this experience with.  It can be hard, being filmed ALL the time with little to no privacy, and your emotions and mental state definitely get put to the test, but through it all I feel I have grown tremendously as a person, sometimes having to face sides of myself that I would rather forget and embracing aspects that I am proud of.  I am really happy with this episode for showing the wide range of stories and emotions that can exist in people’s lives not only as lesbians, or as women, but as people.  (It also doesn’t suck that PANTS WERE VICTORIOUS at the throwdown…haha…eat that Pumps.)  That was such a fantastic day and we raised money for such an important cause.  It really proved to me that we can all come together and put our differences aside for something bigger than ourselves and I plan on continuing with this tradition.  I know some of you might have been shocked by the final scene of the show with Sara and I getting back together and I’m sure there are many different opinions on this. As a viewer it is only natural to develop an opinion on certain characters or decisions that they have made, and it can be very humbling to hear all the varying opinions when your real life is in fact the “character”.   Sara and I have been through the gamut with our relationship.  There never has been a question of whether or not we loved each other, but rather, could we make it work through all of our past bad habits and defense mechanisms.  Yes, she has made mistakes, but as most of you know it’s no shocker that I’m no angel either. So at this point it’s boiled down to, if all the past and everyone else’s opinions were put aside and our emotions where hurled on to the table could we make it work because it is undeniable that we have a passion for one another that won’t end…well, did it work? What do you think? Guess you’ll have to hope there’s a Season 3 ;).

It’s a tricky thing, this “love” thing…it’s unfortunate that, much like parenting, there is no right or wrong way to maneuver your way through it.  I definitely have been treading into some uncharted territory with myself in dealing with my relationship with Sara but, regardless of how messy it may look, it is MY emotional dealings to be had.  I appreciate my friends’ input but at the same time, it gets tiresome to hear the same things over and over again….although is it happening for a reason?  After Sara and I have dinner with Cori and Kasey, and share a moment about trust in bed, it seems less than hopeful to then drive by Erika leaving the back area of her salon.  Coincidence?  I think not.  At this point it just gets to be too much and as hard as it may be, it seems the only solution is to cut ties….yet again.  Is this the last time we will be re-united? Who knows.

As for Rachel, it is incredibly hard to see her masking her emotions with substance here.  She becomes a completely different person and loses perspective of what is a correct decision to be making at the time.  The little kiss we shared was not in a romantic way, but more as a friend loving way since its hard to walk that line of being stern with her, and not trying to make her feel stupid while she’s like that.  Rachel is an amazing and talented girl but sometimes people make mistakes and that was one of ‘em.

I know I make reference to “Romeo and Juliet” lightheartedly in this episode, but in all seriousness, it is a very frustrating situation to be in, not knowing whether your heart or everything people keep saying to you is right.  The obvious answer for most would be go with your heart, but how do you do that when there’s physical evidence to back it up coupled with people who are very dear to you trying to convince you against what you feel is inside.  The hardest part is feeling alone in all of this, because even though I have some amazing friends, it was hard to find someone who had a truly diplomatic perspective when it came to the relationship between Sara and I.  I know it’s undeniable that Sara and I have a connection, both physically and emotionally, but it seems as though neither one wants to be the first one to plunge off that bridge of trust and giving one’s all and both of us are waiting for that to happen.  We are in an emotional gridlock, and it seems to be transforming all of the love and passion we have for each other into contempt and frustration.  Ughhhh….not a good place to be.

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaack!  …and back to the airport I go….whaaaaat?  I suppose some of you are thinking, “Why again would Whitney ship in more girls to make her life more complicated?”  To this I say, “I have no idea…”  I apparently like to keep things spicy.

Rachel was my longest relationship, and for those who think I am incapable of having a relationship, this one was actually pretty healthy and successful.  We did the whole nine: cars, apartments, dogs, joint accounts, and with very minimal fighting.  In the end, I knew I wasn’t ready to settle down yet, and I needed a change of scenery, because I felt myself turning into someone I didn’t know, and I did not at all want to transfer that frustration and confusion onto Rachel.  Hence the move to LA, and luckily, I can say that, although it took time and popped blood vessels, Rachel and I are coming to now learn how to have one another still in each other’s lives.  Being herself ready for a change and year-round warmth too, Rachel made the move to LA. So it will be interesting to see how we maneuver living in the same city…and the same house again.

As you can see, there are definitely still some familiar faces on this season, one of them being Sara.  Between all the back and forth with the triptych of women from last year, Sara is still in my life.  I just can’t shake her.  We have a magnetism to one another that I do not have with others, but at the same time, events have taken place that have made me build my walls up even higher with Sara.  Nonetheless, I can’t help the fact that I have feelings for her, even if the masses are advising against it.  I know this is something I need to sort out myself and see what happens along the way.  I think at this point, my biggest frustration is the lingering “what if…” in our relationship, because it seems we never really had a fair chance.  Well….we’ll see what happens…and with whom.

What a way to go out….DINAH SHORE!!!!  For anyone who has never attended this weekend of lesbian debauchery, I HIGHLY suggest it, at least once.  Not only is it full of great music, parties, and poolside antics, but it provides a vehicle for an entire weekend where you can completely be yourself and feel comfortable no matter where in the world you come from.

This was kind of a test in a way for Sara and I.  We obviously both had feelings for one another, but neither one was sure if we were ready to drop our guard to open ourselves up to the experience.  I know many of you might be thinking “Yeah, righhhht?!” about the whole situation of Sara and Romi making out and being all up on one another.  To this I say…BELIEVE IT.  I got confirmation, although I had a sneaking suspicion that Romi and Sara had been talking on Facebook right before Dinah Shore.  Basically, they both knew they’d meet, they knew they had friends in common, and they knew they had me in common, so they figured “hey, why not be friends!?”

Initially I think they tried hiding it from me, because they thought come Palm Springs time, when I was unsure how the first interaction would go, they would just blow my mind and run up and hug each other.  The thing is, I actually told both of them prior to that that I thought they would indeed make great friends!!  To see them at the pool party together was not really a saddening sight….I mean, really, wouldn’t you agree?  It did however, among other things, show me that there is a good chance that Sara and I both are probably not ready to be in a relationship.  To this I say…bring it on Season 2. ;)

The last 8 months have changed my life.  Not only have I gotten the chance to share an experience and bond with a group of the most amazing women I have ever met, but I was blessed with the opportunity to be part of something so much bigger than myself.  I have received so much support and positive feedback from this show and for every person that tells me that watching us gives them the confidence to start discussion about their own sexuality, makes this whole process that much more worth it.

I have learned SO much about myself through being able to relive it every Sunday.  I know I have a long way to go, but in the meantime I am comfortable and happy with who I am as a person and I can only hope that opening our doors will help open doors for others in the future.  Thanks so much for watching and sharing this experience with me!  Hope to see you all again soon!

Well, here’s the aftermath of the mayhem… and it’s manifested itself into a sun-baked concoction of lube, cream corn, and grits….AWESOME!  See, what you don’t know is that I actually went away for work for almost a week, leaving the kiddy pool to cook in the hot LA sun.  Wow, is all I can say regarding the aroma that permeated from that gooey mess.  The bag literally weighed about 60lbs each, and every time we moved it some gelatinous substance would shoot out, releasing a stench that made everyone in a 10ft radius heave. 

Note to self:  For the 2nd annual party: a) immediately dispose of all wrestling accoutrement, and b) try not to end up crying on the steps alone by the end of the night. 

Man, if I have to hear myself use the words “I’m being honest” one more time! I mean really, by this point is seems like I’m only trying to convince myself of this boundless honesty.  What I should be saying is, “Can’t we all just get along?” or “I’m TRYING to be honest,” or maybe even, “Hey, I’d love to be honest but the coon skin hat I have on is screwing my perception.”  I do have the best intentions in mind though, and that is the truth — but damn to see it back, I realize that sometimes good intentions aren’t everything. 

Fashion week!! Mikey did such a fantastic job, and it was amazing having everyone be in attendance to watch not only the success of the show but also such a momentous occasion as the proposal.  CONGRATS MIKEY!!

 

Wowwwww….what a fun one , eh?! 

 Paintball is one of the best things EVERRRR!! When we showed up at the range we were in fact a motley crew.  Barely any of the members of my team had even played paintball before and most of them were more concerned with looking fashionable than protecting their bodies from high-speed paint-filled balls.  Rose showed up rolling hard, decked out in legit paintball gear with a crew that looked like they never left home without their guns.  Nonetheless, the Bad News Bears came thru!!!! It’s not always about fancy equipment when you’ve got heart…oh yeah…and when your position as a top is being compromised by someone who is 5’0” tall.  The bet started out as a joke but based on the recent tension between Tor and me, it quickly elevated to a real situation.

Ok…now onto the party.  Talk about a day that goes from one extreme to the next!  First off I would like to say that possibly one of the best ideas Julia and I have ever come up with was creamed corn wrestling.   The problem was that upon visiting our local bodega, they only had about 6 gallons of it.  Why anyone would ever buy a gallon of creamed corn for consumption beats me, but there it was.  To fill the extra space and get that perfect consistency, we added gallons of hominy grits to it and 2 bottles of animal grade powdered lube…..gross, I know, but it really took it to the perfect level. 

As the night progressed I’ll admit I had a few cocktails and might have been a little tipsy. My better judgment was skewed when Romi and I went into my room to hook up.  It was unfair and disrespectful to have sex with Tor in the other room, and watching it back is very hard.  My friends were staying at our house for a few days, so Tor had been sharing my bed at that time — and my decision was in poor taste, because inevitably it would only confuse things more with both Romi and Tor.

Regarding the sex…I know that this episode pushed some boundaries, but here are my feelings on that.  Romi and I cared about each other and obviously have comfort and love for one another.  We were two consenting adults who embrace and own our sexuality and are not ashamed of it.  As I have said in the past, when I agreed to open my life to the cameras, I was going all or nothing and that’s what I did.  Sex is a part of reality and I am lucky to be part of a show on a network that promotes freedom of expression.  I feel like sex is something that should be open, embraced and empowering, and I think it’s about time that women in particular own it and are proud of their bodies. 

This country, although making strides, still maintains a double standard mentality a lot of the time.  Men can have sex and show their bodies, but women often still get stigmatized for participating in certain behavior.  Romi and I share the same view on a sex positive way of thinking, we both feel that it is not something that should be shameful but instead celebrated and this is why we felt comfortable allowing the doors to be opened to this part of our lives.  Do I think that the timing was wrong and that I made a mistake regarding Tor’s feelings?  Yes.  But at the same time I am not in any way regretful over the physical expression that Romi and I chose to share.  See everyone…lesbian sex does happen like this…in case anyone had any questions…. ;)

I remember when I was little, doing weekend yardwork with my dad, trying to match my flannel and jeans to his.  Although this could be perceived at simply my future propensity to Ani Difranco, it was much more than that.  I wanted to be like my dad thru and thru.  I know in this episode it seems like I am only saying less than favorable things about him, but in reality he has a good heart; he is just very personable and had the ability to get attention from women… and therefore sometimes let other relationships lack because of it. 

Hmmmm… sound familiar? 

Well I realized that my childhood goal of being like my father has been achieved, but some aspects are better to be left behind or at least moderated, which is what I’ve been trying to do over the years and throughout the learning process of this show.  My father has come a long way over the years though, so kudos to him!

I’ve been reading around recently, about the fact that I should stop telling girls that I have feelings for them because they tend to equate it with love or the potential that there could be a relationship there.  Seeing it on the show now, I realize that maybe it’s not that I shouldn’t say it, but maybe I shouldn’t say it so loosely.  In my head it makes sense, but I can definitely see how it could be misleading, especially under the circumstances of me not being ready to be in a relationship.  People don’t want to be kept waiting in the wings. 

Tor, I must say, is an AMAZING girl, and her sense of humor is my ideal, which is huge for me, so it’s impossible for me to not have a thing for her.  I think I’m realizing though that along with me, as Alyssa said, “needing to keep my ‘whaamp whaamp’ in my pants,” I also need to sometimes keep my feelings in my mouth. 

And P.S.: Oh my goddddd with those mystery girls that night!! Hilarious!  Shout out to the ‘peanut gallery’ of the evening! HA

Well apparently this is what I look like smitten… or blind…  I suppose either one is applicable here. 

Sara and I are in fact similar in several ways. I think both of us are guarded about our true emotions and apprehensive as to who would drop the wall first.  The thing is that here I actually seem to drop my walls and let her know how I feel and to me she builds hers higher… So what to do now? 

For the record I would like to point out a little glitch in the matrix here. When we are sitting at brunch on the last day and I say, “Sara doesn’t know that I’ve ever hooked up with Tor…” that is not accurate at all.  Sara was in fact fully aware, since before Tor even arrived, of our past and potential current status and the fact that we had hooked up.  So I would just like that to be known.  The reason I was laughing awkwardly when Sara was discussing Tor moving in was because,  REAAALLLY?!?  The two of them living together?!  I don’t think so…  Tor is way too much of a spitfire, and being that she knows what she wants and is assertive in what she thinks, I can only imagine what she would say if she was even approached with that offer. 

I must say that San Francisco is one of the best places in the country.  It truly is a kind of utopian community and I always have such a good time there.  Who knows, as I get older I could see a northern migration… but for now LA is my home.  As Rudyard Kipling said, “San Francisco has only one drawback.  Tis hard to leave.”  It is soooo true.