Well, we’ve come full circle!  First of all, thank you for letting us share our laughter and tears with you for the past nine weeks.  It’s been an extremely cathartic experience, and I hope that there is somebody out there who has learned from all of our ups and downs.  We’ve all grown from this process and if anything, hope that the message of EQUALITY resonates louder than all.   

On a side note:  I’m glad you all finally got a chance to meet my good friend, Michele Fleury (who you may also recognize from the reality show, CURL GIRLS!).  She is who I have to blame for putting the Real L Word bug in my head.  So, thank you Mich!

My storyline in this episode is pretty self-explanatory, but the one thing that I was not ready for was Stamie’s reaction to my Mom’s hesitancy.  She has a very strong, funny, and magnetic personality, but the stress of having my Mom in town and not accepting her was a little too much for her to handle.  It’s something she’s already been through and doesn’t wish to retread – which is understandable.  For me, it was an exhausting couple of days of trying to please two of my favorite people.  I was trying very hard to balance the task of being respectful to all parties and staying true to myself.  Luckily, there was light at the end of the tunnel!!  (And that light may have come with the help of a 2 ½ year old with a lollipop.)

Somehow, in all of this mayhem, I managed to turn 30! And believe me, I had never thought I’d be on a reality show when I was blowing out those candles!  It’s such a milestone birthday and celebrating with an intimate group of friends and family was perfect!  And for anybody that doesn’t know Misty Odell – please, please, please do – not only is she a great friend, but her music, and especially lyrics, are amazing!  The entire night was incredibly memorable!

The best gift of all was having my Mom by my side and watching the joy on her face as she slowly let in and accepted my life.  She was finally supporting 100% of me, and I couldn’t be happier!  She’s made great strides (brought me to tears of joy with the Dautry scene at the California One Care PSA!) and is now asking about Stamie in most of our phone calls.  She is a strong and inspiring woman, and although change can sometimes be scary, she seems to be handling it all with grace.  It just takes time.

Side note:  It was also a big moment for my Mom to say SE AGAPO POLI, which means “I Love You Very Much” in Greek, to Stamie.  How cute is that??  Stamie is still convinced that my Greek Aunt fed her that line. All is going to be okay!

…And finally, thank you Showtime, for the 10 weeks of what felt like free therapy.  You finally broke me down!  I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to choose yourself, and that’s okay too.

To: Nikki, Jill, Whitney, Rose, and Mikey…..and of course, STAMIE! …….. It’s only the beginning!  Xo  

Coming Out. Again, and again, and again….

There are several stages or steps to the coming-out process, and everyone’s experience and journey is unique.  However, the one thing we all have in common is that we’re always going to have to share our secret with someone at some point in our lives….parents, coworkers, friends…..but it will always start with coming-out and being true to yourself. 

For me, this part of the process was unusually easy.  That is, until I realized I would eventually have to come up against other peoples’ judgments, prejudices, stereotypes and fears of the unknown.  If life wasn’t hard enough….

So, in order to fully grasp what is happening in this episode, I should give you a little back story on my relationship with my mother and all things gay!  Here goes:  After about 7 months of dating my first girlfriend, I decided to tell my mother over a cheesecake and coffee in a NJ diner.  The reason I had waited this long was two-pronged: 1.) I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a “phase” as some people were trying to convince me of at the time; and 2.) My mother was just recently divorced and having a very hard time adjusting to life again.  Let’s just say that her reaction was very different than what had played out in my head.  It was as if I had not only disappointed her but also shamed my family.  And even though we had a great relationship prior, she quietly proposed a very one-sided agreement that led to a moratorium of discussing all things gay – when it had to do with her daughter!  (Insert very big lavendar elephant here!!)  Cut to 4 years later and this arrangement has become outdated and no longer working for me!!!  She’s missing out on huge parts of my life!

MOM:
I was really disappointed that my mother was resistant to coming out for my 30th birthday party - excuse after excuse. Part of me thought it was because of the fact that there were cameras following my every move and another because she wasn’t ready to see the life I had created for myself (i.e., Stamie, kids, Gay Gay Gay).  I can’t explain how elated I was when I opened my front door to find a 5’1” Puerto Rican “Hot Tamale” Spitfire on my front porch!  And, as you saw, my Mom said things to me that I’ve been waiting four years to hear, so it was quite emotional!  For instance, as we started to delve deeper, my Mom finally shared that it was her own dream for me that she was harping on — a husband, kids, white wedding — rather than my own.  What I do know though, is that parents also have a coming-out process.  Some of us struggle with this secret for so long and then once it leaves our lips, we except immediate acceptance from those we love.  But we must also remember to give them a second to let it marinate!  My Mom is my best friend – so it was worth the wait!  
 
STAMIE:
I feel for her right now!  I know that introducing my Mom to Stamie at her comedy show wasn’t the best decision on my part, but sometimes life throws you a curveball and you just have to go with it. But, oh man, that was ROUGH!!! Could you feel the tension in the air?  Imagine being stuck in the middle of that for a week!  It felt like the longest evening ever, and I can only explain it as BITTERSWEET. 

Since Stamie has already gone through her own coming out process, it’s been hard for her to rehash and relive those days through me. She is past it and pours every last morsel of love and energy into the three gorgeous children of hers.  Like most parents, her priority became providing a good life for her children, which makes coming out issues pale in comparison.  With age and/or experience often comes a shift in perspective.  

I’m stuck in between my two favorite people at the moment!  Is there a way to please everybody?  Hopefully, down the road, Stamie and my mother will both take down their guards and learn to love each other.  For the time being, however, whoever I’m dating is going to be in the hot (tamale) seat.    

To be continued next week…….
 

“Movie night” was actually Oscar® Night (on mute) at Stamie’s house.  I was so happy to have my family come over, even though it was thrown together so last minute.  It was probably one of the most difficult days of filming though, because it seemed as if something was off in the air and the planet was at a tilt.  At this point in the season, we all had a lot going on in our lives on-and-off camera and sometimes you just need a break – or 3 glasses of wine and your jammies to unwind.  However, I’ve learned that in reality tv, you don’t get breaks, re-dos, or that extra 5 minutes to put on some makeup.  (We’re shooting in HD, for g*ds sake! Why didn’t somebody tell us?)  This is real!

Aimee, Audrey, and I are extremely close.  They are my support system, confidants, and best friends in life - well, along with my co-pilot, Max.  (Insert GOLDEN GIRLS theme music here.)  In other words, they are the ones who know me best!  We’ve been through many ups and downs in the past few years, have stuck together, and are not going anywhere!  LOVE LOVE LOVE my sisters.  I’m their biggest fan!  The awkwardness in the air mostly came from the fact that Aimee and Stamie haven’t spent much one-on-one time together.  I never signed up to love two VIRGOS!!  Eeek!  And Stamie keeps me laughing on the daily, however her jokes don’t always land.  Doh!

That being said…

Being the “middle man” sucks!  I’m sure we’ve all had to do it at some point in our lives, but my belief is that it’s a recipe for disaster.  My sister, Aimee, has been given the unfortunate task of being that person for my mother and I.  She has somehow become a “mediator” when it comes to alllllll things gay — and although it helps with the relationship and dialogue with my mother, it actually hurts when it comes to the relationship with my sister.  Most of the time, I want to hear her personal opinion and not the telephone-game-version of my mother’s.  That I already know!  I understand where she’s coming from in trying to support the both of us, but sometimes I want or need more.  I need my sister.  However, since you’re only getting a glimpse into our conversations, you should know that having lunch with Aimee was a very big help.  Not only did I get to finally hear what she was thinking, I also started understanding a little more about my mother’s hesitations.  It’s progress, kids.  And I really shouldn’t shoot the messenger!   Thanks for helping, Aims!  xx

OSCAR ©A.M.P.A.S.®

It’s funny how social networking sites, such as Facebook, have become such an integral part of our lives.  It’s reaching so many people of all age groups around the world – and now my MOM is even taking part!  I was a little shocked but happy to see that Stamie reached out to my mother in this last episode with a “friend request.”  But I was a bit nervous too that she wouldn’t receive a reply. Bittersweet!  It’s been a process for my mother when it comes to me being gay and now there’s a third party involved.  My family dynamic is all over the place right now and it seems as if we’re all on our own journey, but hopefully it will all mesh again soon. 

One of the hardest parts of the filming process was having the cameras around ALL OF THE TIME.  Being filmed when you have the flu is not fun at all!!  You quickly realize that there’s no escaping and it’s okay to let the world see you at your lowest and most vulnerable moments.  Life doesn’t wait for you!  Also, It’s one thing being filmed while sick and under the covers, but it’s a whole other thing being sick and having to do a long photo shoot.  You just have to push through it! 

That being said, being involved in the Lucky Dog Leather and cover shoot for BOUND Magazine was a ton of fun!!  I didn’t know what I was in for, but I instantly felt comfortable being surrounded by my friends –Beck Star, (the photographer), Natalie Garcia, (check her out on ‘More to L With Nat Garcia’), and Lucia Gerbino, (owner of Lucky Dog Leather) – all who I’ve known for a while.  I thought it was a great first taste of modeling and now I have more photos to add to my portfolio!   What you didn’t see was that Stamie surprised me by bringing Dautry by the set for a little TLC and encouragement beforehand.  It was beyond cute and I’m realizing more and more that I can balance fun, work, and my new unconventional family! 

It’s all a balancing act! 

Meet Josh:  Isn’t he adorable?  Do you recognize him from ALF?  Stamie and Josh have been very lucky in the real estate market, but it’s probably due to the fact that they work so well together.  They have a brother-sister relationship and both use humor to help sell and buy houses.  (Obviously, stand-up doesn’t pay the bills… yet!)  Apparently, he doesn’t know what “lesbian sex” is either!  Hmmm.  I love how I manage to dodge the question again and again.  Later, we realized that the best way to explain lesbian sex was by drawing him a diagram.  On a real note, I do find the real estate world fascinating, but I should probably leave that in the hands of a professional.  I am business savvy, have a good eye for design and enjoy creating new spaces, however it’s probably best to be kept as a hobby for now.  We’ll see. 

After having a hectic few days running between production meetings, tv pitches, and just trying to get a movie sold, I finally had time to meet Stamie for a quick lunch at the Roxbury Café.  This is one of our favorite ‘mom-and-pop’-run places in Beverly Hills and is also home to Comedy90210.com.  Thankfully I’m a little higher up on the totem pole here since the kids are not around!  We’re finally able to get some “us” moments in.  (And of course, when the crew leaves us for the night as well!!)

In the evening, we have Stamie’s Comedy night.  It’s always a different line-up, but what I didn’t expect was for Stamie to invite Sheila and Rebecca from Commercial Talent Agency to come and scout me.  Coming straight from a meeting at Warner Bros, I walked in late and was caught completely off guard!  Modeling and going up for commercial auditions is something that I have always thought about but somehow managed to side-step.  In a way, I was almost rebelling.   I’m a big believer of ‘brains before beauty’ but after growing up a bit, I’ve realized that you can absolutely have BOTH.  Being in front of the camera, rather than my comfort zone of behind, is a big challenge for me.  It’s a challenge I’m excited to take!  Obviously, I started tackling that by signing on for a reality show and opening up my life to everyone to see! And as for the comedy show – Stamie is one funny lady – and I’m not just saying that because she’s mine!   Dating a comic is an eye-opening experience in it of itself, especially when you realize that one day you will inevitably be part of her routine.   I escaped ridicule in this episode, but I’m glad everyone was able to hear one of my favorite jokes!

All in all, as in life, I’m glad we all shared a moment away from the energetic kids.  Everyone needs a second to regroup and recharge – or just get in a little smooch – sometimes.  Don’t worry, the kids will be back! 

Don’t Judge a Book by its Cover!

Contrary to popular belief, I do venture outside of Stamie’s house! I mean, I know I’m transitioning and all, but I’m not a hermit.  Once again, the magic of editing!  Just had to get that out of the way! 

One of the most difficult days of filming was when I dog-sat LEONIDAS, my sister’s puppy, and also had Max and the kids for the entire weekend. It’s definitely an adjustment adding a puppy to the mix.  Take all of that  - add seven crewmembers, sick kids, and a boom mic that looks like a puppy play toy – shake it up – and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.  You too would look like a deer in headlights!!  What you don’t see in this clip is that Leo managed to escape the chaos, only to be found running down the center yellow lines of Ventura Blvd!  His momentary sense of FREEEEEDDOOOOOOMMMM!!!

Aside from nursing the kids back to health, Stamie and I decided that it was also time to tackle the “binky”(pacifier) issue.  What most non-Moms don’t realize is how addictive a binky can be – how does life go on???

After going for a hike to clear our heads, Stamie and I went to Newsroom Café.  It was there that we were finally able to download on our last few days and I was able to explain why I felt so “off balance”.  Since I had a few hours before going over to her house in the morning, I decided to clean out my garage and stumbled across several boxes with my beloved grandmother’s belongings inside.  Even though it’s been a few years since I’ve lost my best friend, it is still an open wound.  I consider myself an incredibly patient person, almost to a fault, but when you have something you want to share in the moment and cannot, it’s hard to swallow.  What I’m learning over and over again in this relationship is that kids come first no matter what.  I’ll get my time - but just be patient!  It’s all a test. 

And lastly, Valentines Day!  I’m not a huge believer in this day, but I do like spreading the idea of Unconditional Love.  The kids are getting old enough now to grasp concepts and being able to share the experience of one of their first Valentine’s Days with them is priceless.  Also, if you didn’t already notice, it was Dautry’s idea that we dress alike for the occasion.  That ‘lil bugger can seriously get me to do anything!  It was a perfect end to a happy, but exhausting, weekend.  And I finally got the “alone time” with Stamie that I needed.

As for the key – let me just get one thing straight.  I find humor to be incredibly sexy!!  The fact that Stamie gave me a key to her heart, um – I mean “house” - in a plastic ice cream cone was incredibly endearing.  It made me laugh.  Not everything in life needs to be so serious and heavy, ya know?

The response: “I’m happy to have my key on her keychain…..if ‘ya know what I mean.”  Ahhh, gotta’ love her.

First of all – since Episode 1, I’ve decided to go out and buy some shirts!!   I didn’t realize how much I walk around in my skivvies.  Doh!  

“What kind of Lesbian are you?” is the question that starts out Episode 2.  I ask, what kind of question is that??!!!  Ask me what kind of woman I am, what kind of daughter I am, what kind of friend I am – and I have answers.  This question frustrates me because it’s just another label that society is asking me to wear.  I’m always being put into a box, but you know what?  The box isn’t big enough!!

Coughing Kids:  Come on, wasn’t the scene where Nikos is waking me up absolutely adorable?  The part that wasn’t cute for me was the fact that it was 6am!!  Or the fly-by poopy diaper.  Just sayin’.  I get Stamie back for that in future episodes though. 

Meet MICHAEL:  He’s my best friend, confidant, and wingman in life.  And now, we have one more thing in common – we both like women!!  He’s one of my oldest friends, and I’m sure that to this day, my mother wishes that we were a couple.  He always makes me laugh and delves good advice.  Oh, and any single ladies reading this?  He’s available!! 

“Playin’ a lil B-ball outside the school” and run-ins with Whitney:  Stamie got major points for knowing how to play ball.  There’s something sexy about athleticism!  Who knew she could sink a 3 AND be funny!  Score!  After a few games, we wandered over to the Abbey with my sister and some friends.  Now, if you have never been to the Abbey before, please know that on Sunday it is the gay mecca of West Hollywood.  You’ll run into just about every gay friend, ex, and future ex-wife there.  So, I wasn’t surprised when I ran into Whitney.  It may seem staged (it wasn’t), but let’s just say I was surprised I didn’t run into the entire cast of TRLW that day!

So — lets recap.  What have we learned?

1. It wouldn’t be the L Word without a Lezzie basketball game.
2. Fly-by poopy diapers are gross! Let’s keep the romance alive, kids.
3. You should have at least one straight male friend who you can share stories and technique with.
4. Whitney has a crush on me. And Sara, Tor, and Romi.
5. Along with U-hauling and adopting puppies, you are not a lesbian unless you burn copious amounts of candles.

Max is the cutest dog you have ever seen.

…And so it begins!!! 

 One of the fun parts about being involved in this process was seeing how it brought up issues and opened up dialogue between people that were previously not touched upon or skirted.  So, let me start off by saying that you think you’ve “seen it all”, but in fact, there are hundreds of hours of unused footage that were swallowed up by the editing room floor!  I’m here to share some of that with you and set the story straight!  

At times it does seem like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, but one of my mottos in life is “Go Big or Go Home” (and before you ask, yes, that saying was stolen from my days playing softball).  This relationship keeps me guessing on a daily basis.  For instance, I’ve learned quickly that you should never get in the middle of an argument with two exes who share custody of kids.  You’ll see how well I do with this as the season progresses!  

One of my main concerns about signing on to the show was how it was going to affect my young relationship with Stamie.  Cameras add a lot of stress on relationships and we were just building the foundation in ours.  Mix that up with juggling a career as a film executive and a social life and you’ve got a lot to balance.  We’re still going strong and I look forward to the adventure that each day brings… and believe me, there’s always something!!!  Also, it still catches me off guard that my girlfriend is a MILF!  

And that brings me to….

WHITNEY, oh Whitney:  Where do I begin??

Before shooting began a friend of mine described Whitney as being edgy and crush-worthy.  My friend was right, except I never thought of the possibility of Whitney hitting on me.  When I first met her at Crown Bar she was followed by a camera crew and a small posse of women, all vying for her attention.  Since I knew we were both on the show and would eventually meet during our 10 week shoot, I took the cue to go up and introduce myself early.  Ahhh the magic of editing!!!  What you don’t see on camera is that I was there with my girlfriend, sisters, and some friends.  I also met Rose and Natalie that night.  I won’t bore you with the details since you’ve seen most of it play out, but I got the idea early that I was on Whitney’s radar.  We made plans to grab a coffee (as castmates, not a date), but with the craziness of production and life, we didn’t reconnect for a few weeks. You’ll see how it all plays out, but after getting to know her through this process I can definitely say that everything you hear about Whitney is true – she’s endearing, smart, edgy, fun, gets in a little over her head at times – and you’ll usually leave the conversation saying “Whitney did WHAT?!”