Let the new chapter begin. Whit is my friend, and will always be my friend.  I am sure I am not the only person who has been vulnerable after a break up. My whole life is in my hands now with no one to look after me but myself. I am excited for my life and what’s to come. I am sober and focused on my line . All I want more than anything is for my and Vanessa’s dream to come true. We have put so much love and time into  the line. If Udi from Love and Pride loves our collection, we can move forward. Get the opportunity to see  my work  on his site.   My line is  a direct result of my sobriety. I would never have been able to do it if I  were  still drinking. I am working on something I love and excited to learn, grow and start a company.  

Vanessa and I met with Udi and he was a fan! YAY! Let it begin. We are going forward and joining the love and pride family. I am single and sober and doing something I am passionate about. I am sad that Kelsey and I had to come to an end and sad about the way we spent the last few months. I know in my heart that was the best decision I made and again, could not have done if I was drinking. I love her but I love me more. The right person is out there for me. When I love me, someone else can love me. 

Whitney throws a Pants vs Pumps party. That girl comes up with some creative ways for us fools to get together. I am glad this time we are having fun and raising money for a great cause.   I  had a blast. I wish Kelsey the best of luck in life and hope that she can get a hold of her life and maybe with out me, she will be able too. I know she can’t see it now but she will thank me one day for leaving. 

I am ready for life. A life I love. A life I remember and one with endless possibilities. I look forward to making my mom and dad proud of me. 

Kelsey and I go to Franny’s house for dinner with all the girls. It was so nice to not stress for a night and eat some of Chef K’s yummy food. 

Kelsey was super quiet and not very social as always. Before dinner she was complaining that Whit and I always laugh together and that her and I don’t. She is right and I wish Kels and I laughed more but we have very different sense of humors. Whit and I get each other. 

Later that week I planned a sweet dinner for us and right before we were getting ready I had a weird feeling Kelsey drank the night before. She was in Long Beach with her family and her phone died all night. I looked at her and said, “Did you drink?”  She said looking me in the eyes, “YES!” I was so hurt and mad. I felt like her word meant nothing and that this whole thing was a joke. I realized then that Kelsey was really doing all this for me and not for herself. If she wants to go drink she can, just not with me. I had to be the one to ask her, she couldn’t even tell me her self. That hurt. 

Leaving Kelsey was one of the hardest things. I hated it. I worry about her more than she will ever know. I always will but this was needed. We had to break up for both of us. I know she couldn’t understand it all then but I know one day she will. We will always love each other. I wish her the best and pray that she gets a hold of her life and makes the most of it. She is an amazing girl who has a lot of growing up to do. 

Whit invited me over to keep my mind off of things. I love her and Alyssa is one of my closest friends, so I said yes. They made an inseminator for Cori and Kacy. I had to be there to see them present this miracle.  The night went great and the girls loved their new gift. I hope they had some fun with it later that night. Whit and I have always had chemistry and love each other very much. There was some flirting going on and it just felt right. I left to go home but we were texting each other a lot. So I decided to come back. HAHAHAA, for the one, the only, “the Whitney”. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I am so lucky to have her in my life and yes it felt good to finally just be me. With her I can just be that. 

Kelsey and I have dinner with Khristian and Franny. Franny tells me that Claire is talking crap about all of us. I’m just so annoyed that someone is assuming I just sit and play with lipstick all day. I am working my ass off and it really was insulting. Not to mention, Franny said she was putting down my friends. Just not ok to move here and talk crap about people you don’t know. Me and my friends are a pretty close group of girls, and this is not the way to try and get in. 

Kelsey and I go lay in the park for a bit and she decides to tell me she wants to drink again and she is not going to be sober forever.  Kelsey really did not quit drinking because she knew she had a problem, she quit so she wouldn’t loose me. It is becoming very apparent. Kelsey and I will never make it with the way she drinks and my sober life style. I can be around drinking but I can’t share my life right now with a drunk. She is sober like one week and now she is over it. I have way to much going on though to give this anymore attention. If she wants to drink so be it. Get a job and get your own place and pay for your own drinks because I am done supporting that. 

I have not seen Whitney in a bit so we decide to get dinner together and catch up. I am one month sober today and am so happy to see her. Whitney has been there for me so much through all my lows and knows what a big change I am making in my life right now. At dinner she tells me how proud of me she is and it felt so good to hear that from one of my friends. I love Whit and want her to be happy and stay focused on herself as well. It felt great to have an adult conversation and just be me with a good friend.

 I meet with my Business partner Vanessa to work on our jewelry line. We have a guy named Udi interested in working with us. This is like a dream come true at this point. This line means so much to Vanessa and I. So I talk to Udi and he wants to see what we got. He gives me a list of things he needs to see in order to move forward with us. Vanessa and I are so happy that anyone even wants to help us. 

Franny comes up with this idea to have a dinner party and trick us all into landscaping her yard. She is a smart girl and that is why I love her. Whatever, it was nice to see all my friends. Saj is having some girl issues and I give her a little advice. This is all new for her and my heart goes out to her and her girl. 

My dad passed away a few years ago from cancer, and today is the anniversary of that day. Loosing my dad was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me, and not a day goes by I don’t think of him. He was my best friend and my hero. He would have been so happy to see that I have made the decision to go sober. He would worry about me a lot when I would drink. I wish more than anything he was here to see the woman I am becoming. My mom and I decide to spend this day together and focus on my dad. A few years ago for Christmas, my mom made me a photo album of my dad. At the time, I was not ready to look at it. Today, I am - and it felt good to take time out of my crazy life and just remember my amazing father. 

In the same weekend that I am dealing with the lost of my father, I am going to Vegas to work with my new boss, Don. I really want this weekend to go well. I just quit my job and need this one to work out. I asked Rachael to come along and help work one of Don’s booths with us. I love Rachael and consider her a good friend who acts responsible and professional. Before Rachael and I take off, we catch up a little on my step and I tell her that I’m tired of Kelsey. I continue to explain to her my issues with Kelsey and that we had almost broken up. I just want to concentrate on work this weekend.

When we get to Vegas, I am a bit nervous to see Drew, cause we have not talked since our fight the other night. He is working the same convention as I am this weekend, and I know we are going to run into each other. It is so weird to not be on speaking terms with him. I need his friendship more than ever this weekend. It is my first day on my new job, I’m dealing with the anniversary of my dad’s death, and I have no support from Kelsey. It is just a lot to digest, and I’m trying to keep it together. When I get to my booth, I see Drew and he walks right by me and ignores me. It hurt so badly. He has never acted like this with me. It was so awkward, and I just wanted to scream and cry. When the day comes to an end, I decide to text Drew and say, “please come meet me…this is retarded, I need you”. He gives in and puts his huge ego aside. Thank GOD!!… and then we are back to us. I give him a big hug after crying like a bitch. It felt good.

Later that night, I go to a party with everyone who was working this weekend. It’s hard, because I am not drinking, and it’s a bunch of people I don’t know, but its work and I go. During the night I get a call form Kelsey. She got fired! I feel so bad for her. She is crying and I am not there to make her feel better. I hate that she is beating herself up so bad. I tell her we will figure it out and that I can’t take care of her, but I love her. I decide to drive back home with Drew after the weekend; give us some time to talk. I realize on the drive home what I have not been wanting to accept - Kelsey has to learn on her own, and that I can’t control it anymore, or try and take care of her and protect her anymore. I’m done. In the end it is for the best she learns these things on her own. When I get home to Kelsey she looks so sad and beat up. I want her to know I am not leaving and I will support her with my love, but this time its for her to deal with.

I can’t help her get a job, she needs to do it on her own. I got her the last two jobs. It’s her turn to work her stuff out.

DREW!!!! I go to my best friends house Drew for dinner…Drew is my best friend and more. He is my family. From the day I met him he reminded me of my dad. My dad was my everything. My life. When he passed away 4 years ago from cancer I thought I was going to die with him. My dad was my best friend. Drew sort of took his place in some weird way in my life. He makes me feel like I have family. It feels good to know I have someone who really loves and cares about me, and knows me inside and out. He pisses me off, and I piss him off, but at the end of the day, if I needed someone, I know Drew would be there. HAHAHA…at dinner Drew gives me crap about jogging. Every morning we text each other and if I was not responding to his text he would say, “I’m sure you are jogging”, just to make sure I was ignoring him for a good reason. We laugh now, because I am becoming the female version of Drew. He works for a clothing line and has been sober for years. So he is able to get where I am coming from with life and work, and all the other fun stuff. At this time I am working full time and just over it! Tired of being sick and tired. I want to make my jewelry line, Hija Por Vida, and put all my hard work and time into something I love. I am taking care of Kelsey all on my own, and it’s hard. I don’t have a lot of support from her in many areas of my life right now. We want such different things in and out of life. My sobriety, at this point, is not an option and Kelsey can choose to support me or not. This is what it is. I had a good dinner and talk with Drew, and now I need to get back to Kelsey. Drew never wants to leave, but I must go.  Before I was dating Kelsey, Drew and I would be together 24/7. I think he misses me and our friendship. In an effort to make some changes, I need to get a new job. I land an interview with Don, who owns a showroom here in LA and he’s looking for a sales rep. He is just starting the showroom, so this will give me the chance to really watch and learn. He is young and running his own business, and that is what I want. I think this would be a great place for me right now. Don and I really hit it off and he wants to hire me, but he needs me asap for a convention in Vegas the next weekend. I have to quit my job asap!!! I have never just left a job in such short notice but, I need to make this move in my life and I need to do it now.  

Kelsey and I decide to go to the club and see all of our friends. Whit, Rachael, and Franny are all going to be there. Just because I am not drinking does not mean I want to stop going out and having fun with my friends. I have fun when I’m out, and being around alcohol is not a problem for me. I just asked Kelsey for one night to go sober with me so we could enjoy each other and not fight. I knew once she got drunk, I would be so annoyed. Kelsey is such a bad drunk.  She tells me she will go out and not drink with me this one night, and sure enough we get to the club and she starts drinking. I didn’t stop her, because I’m not her mom. She can do what she wants. I was hurt that she could not keep her word to me, but clearly she can’t be in a club and not drink.  We get home and start fighting as always. I’m pissed that I have to deal with her drunk ass when I’m trying so hard to stay sober, and she just can’t get it. She is upset that I am asking her to live her life in a way that does not feel right to her. My attitude toward Kelsey is getting to the point where I am just angry all the time. If you want to live your own life, go do it. Go get a job and go take care of yourself, ‘cause right now I’m the one working and putting a roof over our head. I only wish she cared more about being a supportive partner in this relationship, then the partying and sex. I need to remind myself she is 23, and I too only cared about sex at that age. Now I’m starting to see that we are just at very different places in our lives. We want different things, and this isn’t working for us at all. We are trying so hard to hang on but I don’t know if it’s good for us. 

The next day Kelsey comes to me and says she wants to stop drinking. I am on the verge of a breakdown; I can’t breathe with her right now. We are not happy. I fee that Kelsey is only telling me she wants to stop because she doesn’t want to loose me, not because she realizes she has a problem. I just want so badly for her to understand where I am coming from. I need her to understand how hard it is to take care of two people, while having next to no money, and trying to stop drinking while filming a damn reality show. She just isn’t in a stage in her life to get it. I am happy she wants to stop drinking and support her. 

I decide to go to Whitney’s new night and support her. I feel fine at clubs without drinking. Kelsey said she was not strong enough. So she is going to stay in and go to a meeting with Drew. I think that is great and her choice. I get to the club and am happy to see all my friends. I introduce my good friend Khristain to Franny. I just knew they would hit it off. 

I’m excited for Whit’s big night, and I’m glad I could be there to support her. Kelsey starts texting me how crappy it is that I am out while she is home getting sober for me. Now I’m pissed. She needs to get sober for herself - because she wants too. NOT FOR ME! I am out, not drinking, supporting Whit and just because you made a choice to stop drinking and stay in, does not mean I have to get crap for it. It ruined my night. Then Drew is with her in bed and it’s like 1 am and he is texting, calling me a jerk. Telling me ok since your not here Kelsey is going to stay at my house. I’m pissed now. I go out for one night, she can’t manage to be alone, and you both are texting me crazy things. Over it! Drew and I fight like this a lot, and now he is using Kels to piss me off. Poor Whit was there to hear me bitch and give me a big hug and tell me she loves me. I head back home in the worse mood ever. Drew wants to see me, and I want him to leave. It’s late, and I’m just unhappy at this point. I feel so alone in this relationship and I am just sad.

I’ve made the decision to lead a sober lifestyle, and Kelsey is still on the same path. Since I am very vulnerable at this early stage of sobriety, I’m finding it very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who drinks. 

Kelsey and I go to dinner at my very close friend Kristian’s house, and this is the first night I go out without drinking. I’m having a little bit of a difficult time keeping up the energy to socialize, because there is a lot of drinking going on and at this point, completely annoyed with Kelsey because she’s drunk. After dinner, everyone decides to go to a bar to continue hanging out. I don’t want to be a “Deb”, so I go with the flow. Once we get to the club, Kelsey and I are on two different pages…no fun. In the cab ride home, Kelsey starts crying about the lack of sex, and is threatening me with the idea of cheating on me to get it. At this point I feel bad and obligated to put out, since she has put up with a lot of my stuff. We get back to the house and, well…Kelsey gets laid. It ended up being amazing and healing for the relationship. 

How Kelsey and I are going to get through this turn in my life is going to be tricky. I have to be true to myself.

I came in exhausted from work, hating my job and tired of being the sole provider in the relationship. Bringing home the bacon is hard work! At the time Kelsey was a good house wife and was doing what she could to help, but the stress was eating me alive.  It seemed like I always needed a drink to calm my nerves and relax my mind almost nightly.  

Later we met up with my mother to discuss our relationship issues; she’s always the voice of reason. Getting her unbiased reflections, me and Kelsey agree to work things out.

That evening we arrive at Haute a little tipsy to meet the girls, only to have our drinking escalate. At this point Romi had left the building and I proceed to make out with Rachel which deeply hurt Kelsey. Drunk and drunker, I continue to train wreck it home while speaking in tongues!

The next morning I have no clue what happened or how we got home.  Kelsey informs me of my hurtful actions and I reflect on my drinking.  This is a clarifying moment, I AM A DRUNK!  We meet my mother later and I tell her I have to get sober for myself and my future.  She and Kelsey inform me of the long, hard road ahead……and so it begins.

Kelsey and I go to New York to celebrate my 29th Birthday. New York is my favorite place, so that was where I chose to celebrate. We walked around Central Park in the snow and had so much fun. It was like right out of a movie. We had never been to the snow together or taken a trip together, so it was special to me. Later that evening, we go to meet up with my very good friend Becky. Becky and I have the same birthday. Becky and her boyfriend David have never met Kelsey, so I was excited for everyone to meet. 

Kelsey and I have been having some relationship problems when it comes to the bedroom and how much attention I give her. I was not expecting for her to bring that up with Becky and David over drinks. I had asked Kelsey to please just not be weird and ask stupid questions at dinner. But as always, she decides to tell my good friend, who I have not seen in months, that I don’t touch her enough and that she is CONTENT with me.  David and Becky are trying to explain to her that content is not a good thing. Hello! I’m sitting there so embarrassed that my girlfriend is just content with me. I take Kelsey to the restroom to explain this is not cool and she is crossing the line and asking for way too much!  She continues to tell me this is how she feels, and I explain well this is what it is. I am paying for all of it, and my girlfriend is just content with me. I’m ready to get drunk! So Kelsey and I go to some bars and get some birthday drinks in us. Kelsey gets wasted, and I take us back to the hotel. We start making out and are in that drunk “let’s have sex” mood and Kelsey thinks she is about to get some until….. I pass out! Yep, I fell asleep. I was so beat from the flight that day and was just done, I guess. Welcome to our relationship.