Wow! Last episode! I first just want to say this has been such an amazing experience and we have been so lucky to have shared our story. I have learned so much about myself and making babies, and this experience has only strengthened the relationship Kacy and I already have.
So much happened in this episode! I think my favorite was the ceremony Kacy put together. When you try and try to have a baby and are faced with disappointment after disappointment, you sometimes lose focus on things. My life began to revolve around trying to get pregnant and recovering from the failed attempts. You get so wrapped up in the process that you forget what it is all for. This ceremony reminded me that no matter what happens I will always have Kacy, we are already a family and children would just be an incredible bonus. It brought me back down to earth and also reminded me what an amazing circle of friends we have supporting us. We are so blessed.
Regarding Pants Vs Pumps, two things: 1. Pants cheated. 2. Scarlett and Ellie chocolate wrestling was so hot, you would have run off into the bushes too :)
So my friend Jesi was in town and thank God! The two week wait between insemination and finding out if you are pregnant is crazy! I was hyper-sensitive to everything going on in my body. The question of was I or wasn’t I consumed me. Her coming into town was a perfect distraction from the crazy person I had become. We decided to watch my friend do her Roller Derby thing. We had such a blast and it was so nice to take a night off from all of the wondering and worrying.
Everyone told me it could take a while to get pregnant, but I secretly hoped that I was special. I really tried not to get my hopes up but I couldn’t help it. I figured all of the elements were there, why wouldn’t it work? Realizing that it didn’t take was hard. Not only was I not pregnant, but it also made me realize that this may not be as easy as I had hoped. Coming to terms with the fact that this could take months or even years was heartbreaking. We are so ready to begin our family, so all we can do is continue trying. Maybe it will take months or years, but in the end I know it will have all been worth the wait.
Wow, my wife is a saint. What a pain in the butt I was!
I have tried to quit smoking so many times and have tried everything! Patches, gums, books, pills. Nothing has ever worked. I was looking for a miracle and was really hoping hypnotism was it. I have talked to quite a few people and the hypnotism has completely worked for them so my hopes were high. I really told myself to just give in and try to let it work. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that simple. Maybe my mind is just too strong to be fooled by his hypnotic tricks. But the whole time, I just felt silly. I was focusing more on trying not to laugh than actually listening to what he was saying. So, no miracle for me…just will power and a whole lot of grouchiness. Poor Kacy. I should send her some sort of gift for putting up with me.
The moral of the story? DON’T EVER START SMOKING!
Finally, the baby batter has been purchased. Maybe now we can stop talking about it? Guess not…
Searching for our donor was such a great experience. There were so many great options and so much information about each one. Besides the obvious medical and family histories, they also had personally written essays to really help you get to know the person. We had it narrowed down to about five when it really became hard. My original worry was that we wouldn’t find anyone I was comfortable with, but it turned out there were too many we liked. We talked….and talked and finally agreed on one. We called the sperm bank the next morning. Unfortunately, he only had 3 vials left. This puts a bit more stress and pressure on. This HAS to work because we only have 3 tries…
This episode was so much more fun to re-live than the last episode!
Once Kacy and I picked ourselves up from the disappointment of losing our donor we really just decided to have fun with it and explore ALL options.
So first stop, two of our closest friends, Paolo and Olivier (who are not a couple, although I think it would be really cute if they were) Since I couldn’t get any answers out of Brent I really wanted to try and get some insight from somewhere. I love these two so much and really appreciated their honesty. I was pretty surprised that it took them no time at all to tell us they would not give us their baby batter, but not hurt by it. I have come to realize that while there are some guys out there who have no problem knocking a girl up and running, our friends are a much more attached to their little swimmers. While this doesn’t help my situation, I can appreciate it.
So at this point I am still clinging to the idea that I could know the donor, or at least meet him….which is where Kacy comes up with the hilarious idea of a classified ad… While the idea amuses me, there is no way in hell I am doing it. She really pushed for it though. She had plans of getting our close friends and family together to help interview these guys and I think she really believed that her idea was brilliant….
Once I realized that an ad was where our brainstorming was leading us, I decided it was time to be a bit more flexible and at least check out some sperm banks. We searched quite a few and found an AMAZING one. I am so thankful things worked out the way that they did, because otherwise I would still be completely ignorant regarding what incredible options there are out there. I was shocked at what extensive profiles they offered. And after my previous mental images of Joe Shmo donating to get money for his next fix, I was pleasantly surprised to find out they only accept 1% of the men who apply to be donors. They had millions of donors for us to choose from and it was actually really fun for us. And the best part? We had regained control of our most important life decision.
Holy moly, what a first episode! If anything, this season is definitely going to be hot…minus all of the sperm talk. Thank god for all of the incredible, beautiful women on the show who make it a lot easier to re-live all of this talk about…sperm. Lesbians should never have to ever utter that word, ugh. But, I suppose if Kacy and I are going to get anywhere with starting a family, baby batter is a necessity.
This episode was particularly difficult to watch because it was such an emotional time in our journey, not that it wasn’t all emotional, but this is when the core of our plans fell apart. While we did jump in to trying to make a baby completely blind with absolutely no clue where to start, we felt okay because we already had the most important ingredient figured out – the donor. I went into this 100% against using an unknown donor. I just imagined the worst. I wanted some kind of vibe that this person wasn’t a serial killing creep, which is why I was so thankful for my friend, Brent. I have known Brent for about 8 years and we had always joked about him giving me his goods. When Kacy and I were ready I called him and asked him about it, he was totally in and was so excited to give us this gift. But, somewhere along the line he changed his mind. I don’t know if it was the show, cold feet, or what. And I still don’t know.
Brent changing his mind was heartbreaking. I felt so rejected. But, more than the sadness and the disappointment, I was angry. I wasn’t angry at Brent, but at that fact that we needed him, or anyone, at all. I am so in love and in the most incredible marriage, and we want what most people want – to grow our love into a family. Unfortunately, what we want most in this world is completely out of our control, and even worse, is something we can only get from a man. I am no man hating lesbian, but seriously? Boo.
Luckily, life goes on – and so shall we.