I am so very proud of Francine for finally realizing and coming to terms with telling her parents she’s gay. In all my years of knowing her, this is something I know she struggled with daily. Yoko, is a special woman and she only wants the best for her daughter, but it’s hard when the culture doesn’t except your child’s lifestyle. Knowing Francine the way I do, I can only imagine how difficult it was for her; its never easy to come out but it’s even worse to live a lie.

And round two….

Vivian’s arrival made me feel like everything was going to be ok again.  She came to LA to do work on my web site, but I also wanted to show her a good time. However, some how I knew that it wasn’t going to go as smoothly as I had planned…

Preparing for the night when I knew we were going to see Francine was like being on a never ending rollercoaster ride.  Having my recent ex and long ago ex in the same room is not an ideal situation for anyone, let alone an ex with a temper. I knew I had to deal with the drama but I wanted nothing more then for it all just to be over. Francine had exhausted me and hurt me to the very core but as I see now I had done the same to her. I never said the things Francine said I did.  I wrote Francine those text messages out of anger. She had become bffs with everyone and had literally thrown me out on the curb. I never expected her to read my text messages aloud and take them out of context to turn everyone against me.  All in all, I forgive her as we all do things we don’t mean out of anger, and I am far from perfect.

Looking back I wish I would have just left the party. Nothing good was coming of that conversation and I should have removed myself but when egos start going, its hard to walk away.

I have nothing but respect for all the Real L Word girls and it was unfortunate I made such a bad first impression as that is not really my style.  I commend Whitney for confronting me and giving the opportunity to squash things once and for all!

Goodbye lesbian drama.

The blow out continues.

When I arrived at Francine’s place and saw all of my belongings tossed out, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of frustration. I had told her very clearly the night before that I would come by and pick up everything first thing in the morning. Francine has always had an uncanny way of making things worse then they need to be. I understand she didn’t want to see me but after 8 years of knowing each other, I never imagined she would do something like this. But then again, a lot had changed since we were together.  Enough was enough and that was the end of the era of Frank and Clark!

Moving on, having just left my job to venture out on my own with my web site, I knew I needed Vivian’s expertise in order for my website to be a success.  She is so very talented and at that point, all I wanted was to be around people I trusted and loved.  It had been months since I’d seen her lovely face and I was ready for some normalcy and no one calms me the way Vivian can. 

Stay tuned for what’s to come.

An ego blow of an episode.

First night out with Barbs:

I was completely caught off guard when Chas, started hurling insults at me like that.  I had never met her before and honestly had never been insulted by a complete stranger.  I guess when you mix cameras and alcohol, you evoke some interesting responses. I tried to remain calm as long as I could but there is only so far you can push someone till they break. I shouldn’t have sunk down to that level, but I was so furious, “my little man” syndrome came out. Ultimately, it’s not about the girls you get, it’s about the person you are, the friends you have, and the respect you have for others.

 Trash take out:

It hurts me to watch, and I really do not feel like commenting on what happened as it is too hurtful. Everyone makes their own decisions; I don’t know why she felt the need to throw my stuff out after I told her I would come in the morning, but some people are easily influenced. I never would have done that to her but then again I’m sure she would say the same about some of the decisions I’ve made. In the end, we are different people who handle situations very differently. Francine may  always have a special place in my heart, but I’d be lying if I didn’t feel hurt by seeing her read my text messages aloud, not standing up for me, and throwing out my stuff. However, as you all know I’ve done my fair share to her as well. Perhaps we can call a Peace Treaty!

Texting:

In regards to what I said in the text messages to Francine, I absolutely have no problems with the other girls - I was just extremely frustrated with the events of the night before and was confused on why it had happened. The context of those messages was airing my frustration to Francine and Chas, not about the other girls. I felt attacked and no one had my back besides Barbs. 

 Conclusion:

I was happy to have Barbs there during this difficult time, my NYC friends know me and stand behind me through thick and thin. Coming out to LA has made me appreciate them more then I ever could have imagined! Yayaya V GANG!

Gotta put the girl drama behind me and focus on my website.

At this point, it’s such a relief to move out of Francine’s house.  I was very grateful for her letting me stay there, but it was too much, too soon. My initial introduction to LA was a bit rough,  but I knew I came out here for reasons other than girls - and it was time to focus on those reasons. I had just left a great job and I was eager to dive into something else. I had always dreamed of creating my own website that provided a platform for lesbians to be shown in a fashion forward light.  I figured what time is better than now with a camera crew following my every move!  Meeting the Power Up girls was a great start to the process of creating  my website. It all began after that meeting.

Seeing Barbs was a breath of fresh air. I had been dealing with sooo much drama and I really needed my NYC girls with me. Barbs provided me with great insight as well and a great ear to bounce ideas off of. She came at the perfect time when my life was finally starting to settle down.

Watch what’s to come!

When I first moved to LA, the tension between Francine and I was strong and I knew she wanted me out of her place after our big fight. I, in turn,  was trying to be out of the house as much as possible until my place became available. That morning,  she caught me on the way to the horse races,  so I was in a bit of rush.  Often with Francine and I, we will have big blow outs and then the next day pretend  that  they never happened; perhaps that is why the relationship became so tumultuous - we never dealt with our problems. We would say the meanest things and then pretend  that  they never happened. I,  however,  have learned I see that I need to be more forthcoming with admitting my faults and not as selfish with my emotions.

When talking to Vivian,  I kept getting the feeling she wanted me to beg her to come .   As much as I wanted her to come,  I wanted her to want to too…  

We had been planning this trip for awhile but looking back,  I totally see her reservations. I asked her to do something almost anyone else in the world would have said,   “Hell, no!”   to, I should have been more calm and understanding. Vivian is the most understanding person out there and she has stood by me through the unimaginable. I should have been calm and understanding, not so hot tempered. I think everyone should be able to understand that in the heat of the moment,  it’s sometimes hard to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

All in all,  I was selfish with my emotions.  I was not thinking about how my words were  affecting these two people. I will never be so careless again.  I,  however, never had any bad intentions . I think emotionally and relationship-wise H ,  I have a lot of growing up to do.

There is nothing like watching yourself make mistakes and then knowing the whole world is going to see those mistakes. Vivian and Francine both knew about each other and both of them knew why I wanted to leave New York, which was for my career and to figure out things once and for all with Francine. I had always been honest with both of them about my feelings for the other but there are no excuses for what I did. Francine and I were having a great time together but as usual in our relationship something always happens to trigger a fight, we just take turns on who shoots first! It wasn’t cool of me to call Vivian when Francine was in the other room. I should have been more respectful to both of these wonderful girls. However, it was day two in a new city, and Francine was riding me the whole time with stuff from the past…. I didn’t know what to do. I was torn and when you are torn you do foolish things.  I was very excited to meet the other girls, I had noooo idea all that drama erupted that night; I guess I was in LA LA land with Franny. The ending of this episode about sums it all up.  I never knew I was such a bad crier! 

Good times ahead hopefully stay tuned to watch what happens!

This episode brings back a lot of difficult emotions. It’s hard to watch the person you love crying over something you’re  doing.  Even though Vivian and I had known for over a year that I was moving to LA, nothing can prepare you for the emotions you feel when you are about to leave a place and a person you call home. Leaving Vivian that morning was the worst; I saw our entire relationship flash before my eyes.  I however knew this was something I had to do.  I had to stop living in the past and deal with my feelings for Francine once and for all. I also, had to try and make my dream of creating a fashion website, a reality. Having lived in NYC for eight years, I felt I needed a change of scenery and a breath of fresh air.

There is nothing like getting off of a six-hour flight and being welcomed with five years of pent up aggression (j/k Francine!).  I totally understand why Francine responded to me the way she did, I just wish we could have enjoyed each other’s company and a glass of wine before throwing down. With love you often don’t follow the rules and in my relationship with Francine, this is so very true.

Anyways, watch Episode 2 to find out what all goes down.