And round two….

Vivian’s arrival made me feel like everything was going to be ok again.  She came to LA to do work on my web site, but I also wanted to show her a good time. However, some how I knew that it wasn’t going to go as smoothly as I had planned…

Preparing for the night when I knew we were going to see Francine was like being on a never ending rollercoaster ride.  Having my recent ex and long ago ex in the same room is not an ideal situation for anyone, let alone an ex with a temper. I knew I had to deal with the drama but I wanted nothing more then for it all just to be over. Francine had exhausted me and hurt me to the very core but as I see now I had done the same to her. I never said the things Francine said I did.  I wrote Francine those text messages out of anger. She had become bffs with everyone and had literally thrown me out on the curb. I never expected her to read my text messages aloud and take them out of context to turn everyone against me.  All in all, I forgive her as we all do things we don’t mean out of anger, and I am far from perfect.

Looking back I wish I would have just left the party. Nothing good was coming of that conversation and I should have removed myself but when egos start going, its hard to walk away.

I have nothing but respect for all the Real L Word girls and it was unfortunate I made such a bad first impression as that is not really my style.  I commend Whitney for confronting me and giving the opportunity to squash things once and for all!

Goodbye lesbian drama.

I am not a religious person, despite what you saw on tonight’s episode.  I do not claim to be Catholic, I do not attend church regularly, and I do not adhere to a strict doctrine of Christianity.  I am, however, blessed with a faith in the universe, and hold as a fundamental value, that love is the single greatest driver of the human spirit.  If you live your love with utter love, then you will lead a truly good life and inspire love around you.  In the universe, I believe that the aura, or the light around you, that beams from you, is equal to the amount of love you put out into the universe.  That being said, I was raised Catholic, and some of the more personal traditions I hold dear.  So, lighting a candle with the love and hope to impregnate my wife matches up quite well to how I live my life.  It might seem odd that a lesbian would walk into a church to pray for a child – which in contemporary ideas of religion seems counter-intuitive given the social backlash of gays and lesbians in most Christian based organized religions.  Nevertheless, I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do; to light the way – literally – for my child’s soul to see me, like a beacon in darkness, to point the way home.  I am not opposed to trying anything at this point.

And welcome to the disaster piece theater… Little did I think about the domino effect my conversation with Romi would spiral into. Ok, I admit that it was a little childish of me to tell Romi what Claire had said in private about the other girls but, I was fueled by anger and at the time, upset about how her words and actions were not coinciding at all. I guess we can all say the recipe for disaster that evening was already boiling in the lesbo pot. The whole blowout scene at Haute reminded me of the crazy times Claire and I had in NYC. We would fight a lot in public and watching it on TV is quite frankly, super duper embarrassing. I didn’t realize how crazy she actually makes me feel and how I let that one get to me emotionally. I think we just know how to push each other’s buttons and boy did that lead to the blowout of the century… or something like that. TRES DRAMATIQUE!

Meanwhile, landscaping the yard was something I had put off for awhile and I thought it would be a fun activity we could participate in together as friends. I always think about work and like to stay productive while having a good time so what better way to get something done while partying?!

“I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. - E.B. White” 

What can I say…with great planning, a lot can be accomplished!

My dad passed away a few years ago from cancer, and today is the anniversary of that day. Loosing my dad was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me, and not a day goes by I don’t think of him. He was my best friend and my hero. He would have been so happy to see that I have made the decision to go sober. He would worry about me a lot when I would drink. I wish more than anything he was here to see the woman I am becoming. My mom and I decide to spend this day together and focus on my dad. A few years ago for Christmas, my mom made me a photo album of my dad. At the time, I was not ready to look at it. Today, I am - and it felt good to take time out of my crazy life and just remember my amazing father. 

In the same weekend that I am dealing with the lost of my father, I am going to Vegas to work with my new boss, Don. I really want this weekend to go well. I just quit my job and need this one to work out. I asked Rachael to come along and help work one of Don’s booths with us. I love Rachael and consider her a good friend who acts responsible and professional. Before Rachael and I take off, we catch up a little on my step and I tell her that I’m tired of Kelsey. I continue to explain to her my issues with Kelsey and that we had almost broken up. I just want to concentrate on work this weekend.

When we get to Vegas, I am a bit nervous to see Drew, cause we have not talked since our fight the other night. He is working the same convention as I am this weekend, and I know we are going to run into each other. It is so weird to not be on speaking terms with him. I need his friendship more than ever this weekend. It is my first day on my new job, I’m dealing with the anniversary of my dad’s death, and I have no support from Kelsey. It is just a lot to digest, and I’m trying to keep it together. When I get to my booth, I see Drew and he walks right by me and ignores me. It hurt so badly. He has never acted like this with me. It was so awkward, and I just wanted to scream and cry. When the day comes to an end, I decide to text Drew and say, “please come meet me…this is retarded, I need you”. He gives in and puts his huge ego aside. Thank GOD!!… and then we are back to us. I give him a big hug after crying like a bitch. It felt good.

Later that night, I go to a party with everyone who was working this weekend. It’s hard, because I am not drinking, and it’s a bunch of people I don’t know, but its work and I go. During the night I get a call form Kelsey. She got fired! I feel so bad for her. She is crying and I am not there to make her feel better. I hate that she is beating herself up so bad. I tell her we will figure it out and that I can’t take care of her, but I love her. I decide to drive back home with Drew after the weekend; give us some time to talk. I realize on the drive home what I have not been wanting to accept - Kelsey has to learn on her own, and that I can’t control it anymore, or try and take care of her and protect her anymore. I’m done. In the end it is for the best she learns these things on her own. When I get home to Kelsey she looks so sad and beat up. I want her to know I am not leaving and I will support her with my love, but this time its for her to deal with.

I can’t help her get a job, she needs to do it on her own. I got her the last two jobs. It’s her turn to work her stuff out.

This episode really encapsulated why Cori and chose to participate in this show.  One day, our child will be able to look back and see his or her parents go through the process of bring him or her into the world.  That moment, when Cori and I were holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes – all of our hopes and dreams burgeoning – that moment is so utterly precious, and it has been captured forever.  My wife, as always said it perfectly, “You and me, we’re here.”  That was one of the best moments of my life – when our lives were changing from an “us”, to potentially, a family.  It was an absolute high.

Then, for the absolute low – when we received the phone call that the second sample was gone.  I have said this before and I will say it again – I hate seeing my wife cry.  That was the longest drive home ever.  Being able to keep my composure while fighting the worst traffic, while my wife’s heart is breaking in the seat next to me, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It was a mixture of very intense emotions:  confusion, frustration, sadness, anger, and anguish.  We got home, went straight into the bedroom and fell apart.

Being a Lesbian and trying to make a child is an incredible rollercoaster – high highs and very low lows.  Such is life.

The blow out continues.

When I arrived at Francine’s place and saw all of my belongings tossed out, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of frustration. I had told her very clearly the night before that I would come by and pick up everything first thing in the morning. Francine has always had an uncanny way of making things worse then they need to be. I understand she didn’t want to see me but after 8 years of knowing each other, I never imagined she would do something like this. But then again, a lot had changed since we were together.  Enough was enough and that was the end of the era of Frank and Clark!

Moving on, having just left my job to venture out on my own with my web site, I knew I needed Vivian’s expertise in order for my website to be a success.  She is so very talented and at that point, all I wanted was to be around people I trusted and loved.  It had been months since I’d seen her lovely face and I was ready for some normalcy and no one calms me the way Vivian can. 

Stay tuned for what’s to come.

A man by the name of Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. A dear friend of mine reminded me of that when she noticed I was close to my breaking point - upset and crying almost every day since Claire had arrived… Yes, the situation may have been annoying, but the only thing I was capable of fixing were my own expectations. How was I ever going to move on while I was stuck holding onto the past? 

I felt as though I was going through my own personal period of change, yet I was stuck repeating this same cycle with my ex (and it definitely wasn’t going anywhere, fast!) At this point, I was starting to see that I was not in a desirable or healthy place, and it was time to break this cycle. At the end of the day, I realized I couldn’t stick around any longer, nor could I be around someone who I felt horrible with. It was time I stopped allowing myself to feel this way and do some ‘spring cleaning’ (at 2am in the morning!).  It took a little push and a lot of liquid courage to be able to rid myself of that bad juju, but when I finally did, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It was a hard lesson learned – a lesson that took me years to finally understand. 

DREW!!!! I go to my best friends house Drew for dinner…Drew is my best friend and more. He is my family. From the day I met him he reminded me of my dad. My dad was my everything. My life. When he passed away 4 years ago from cancer I thought I was going to die with him. My dad was my best friend. Drew sort of took his place in some weird way in my life. He makes me feel like I have family. It feels good to know I have someone who really loves and cares about me, and knows me inside and out. He pisses me off, and I piss him off, but at the end of the day, if I needed someone, I know Drew would be there. HAHAHA…at dinner Drew gives me crap about jogging. Every morning we text each other and if I was not responding to his text he would say, “I’m sure you are jogging”, just to make sure I was ignoring him for a good reason. We laugh now, because I am becoming the female version of Drew. He works for a clothing line and has been sober for years. So he is able to get where I am coming from with life and work, and all the other fun stuff. At this time I am working full time and just over it! Tired of being sick and tired. I want to make my jewelry line, Hija Por Vida, and put all my hard work and time into something I love. I am taking care of Kelsey all on my own, and it’s hard. I don’t have a lot of support from her in many areas of my life right now. We want such different things in and out of life. My sobriety, at this point, is not an option and Kelsey can choose to support me or not. This is what it is. I had a good dinner and talk with Drew, and now I need to get back to Kelsey. Drew never wants to leave, but I must go.  Before I was dating Kelsey, Drew and I would be together 24/7. I think he misses me and our friendship. In an effort to make some changes, I need to get a new job. I land an interview with Don, who owns a showroom here in LA and he’s looking for a sales rep. He is just starting the showroom, so this will give me the chance to really watch and learn. He is young and running his own business, and that is what I want. I think this would be a great place for me right now. Don and I really hit it off and he wants to hire me, but he needs me asap for a convention in Vegas the next weekend. I have to quit my job asap!!! I have never just left a job in such short notice but, I need to make this move in my life and I need to do it now.  

Kelsey and I decide to go to the club and see all of our friends. Whit, Rachael, and Franny are all going to be there. Just because I am not drinking does not mean I want to stop going out and having fun with my friends. I have fun when I’m out, and being around alcohol is not a problem for me. I just asked Kelsey for one night to go sober with me so we could enjoy each other and not fight. I knew once she got drunk, I would be so annoyed. Kelsey is such a bad drunk.  She tells me she will go out and not drink with me this one night, and sure enough we get to the club and she starts drinking. I didn’t stop her, because I’m not her mom. She can do what she wants. I was hurt that she could not keep her word to me, but clearly she can’t be in a club and not drink.  We get home and start fighting as always. I’m pissed that I have to deal with her drunk ass when I’m trying so hard to stay sober, and she just can’t get it. She is upset that I am asking her to live her life in a way that does not feel right to her. My attitude toward Kelsey is getting to the point where I am just angry all the time. If you want to live your own life, go do it. Go get a job and go take care of yourself, ‘cause right now I’m the one working and putting a roof over our head. I only wish she cared more about being a supportive partner in this relationship, then the partying and sex. I need to remind myself she is 23, and I too only cared about sex at that age. Now I’m starting to see that we are just at very different places in our lives. We want different things, and this isn’t working for us at all. We are trying so hard to hang on but I don’t know if it’s good for us. 

The next day Kelsey comes to me and says she wants to stop drinking. I am on the verge of a breakdown; I can’t breathe with her right now. We are not happy. I fee that Kelsey is only telling me she wants to stop because she doesn’t want to loose me, not because she realizes she has a problem. I just want so badly for her to understand where I am coming from. I need her to understand how hard it is to take care of two people, while having next to no money, and trying to stop drinking while filming a damn reality show. She just isn’t in a stage in her life to get it. I am happy she wants to stop drinking and support her. 

I decide to go to Whitney’s new night and support her. I feel fine at clubs without drinking. Kelsey said she was not strong enough. So she is going to stay in and go to a meeting with Drew. I think that is great and her choice. I get to the club and am happy to see all my friends. I introduce my good friend Khristain to Franny. I just knew they would hit it off. 

I’m excited for Whit’s big night, and I’m glad I could be there to support her. Kelsey starts texting me how crappy it is that I am out while she is home getting sober for me. Now I’m pissed. She needs to get sober for herself - because she wants too. NOT FOR ME! I am out, not drinking, supporting Whit and just because you made a choice to stop drinking and stay in, does not mean I have to get crap for it. It ruined my night. Then Drew is with her in bed and it’s like 1 am and he is texting, calling me a jerk. Telling me ok since your not here Kelsey is going to stay at my house. I’m pissed now. I go out for one night, she can’t manage to be alone, and you both are texting me crazy things. Over it! Drew and I fight like this a lot, and now he is using Kels to piss me off. Poor Whit was there to hear me bitch and give me a big hug and tell me she loves me. I head back home in the worse mood ever. Drew wants to see me, and I want him to leave. It’s late, and I’m just unhappy at this point. I feel so alone in this relationship and I am just sad.

If there is one thing I regret in life, it’s smoking.  It was a really terrible addiction that I had for 12 years.  Quitting was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  I still struggle with it to this day.  I went two years without one and then one day, right when Cori was trying to quit, I picked it up again.  The pressure of giving up “crutches”, especially when you are going through the stress that we were, is so incredibly hard.  We know that smoking is the worst thing to do when you have children, so I don’t take Cori’s struggle in the episode lightly.  I felt for her and tried to make it better in some way.  She is right though, nothing helps.  If any of you smoke, you should really considering stopping.  I know I sound like a PSA, but it’s important.  Cori and I have both lost people we love from smoking, and I would give up a lot to just have one more day with my Grandmother, Josephine.  She passed away from cancer and was a smoker.  Let’s stop together.  Are you in?  Ok, me too!

Wow, my wife is a saint. What a pain in the butt I was! 

I have tried to quit smoking so many times and have tried everything! Patches, gums, books, pills. Nothing has ever worked. I was looking for a miracle and was really hoping hypnotism was it. I have talked to quite a few people and the hypnotism has completely worked for them so my hopes were high. I really told myself to just give in and try to let it work. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that simple. Maybe my mind is just too strong to be fooled by his hypnotic tricks. But the whole time, I just felt silly. I was focusing more on trying not to laugh than actually listening to what he was saying. So, no miracle for me…just will power and a whole lot of grouchiness. Poor Kacy. I should send her some sort of gift for putting up with me.

The moral of the story? DON’T EVER START SMOKING! 

XO 

Cori