The Real L Word

“I’m a Mikey Lesbian”

Growing up in the projects as a minority, I experienced a ton of racism and physical violence, and witnessed a lot of drug dealing, gang violence and drive bys . That has to be the number one reason why I wanted to be a part of the show, to share my experience and message; that you don’t need to be a product of your environment and no matter who you are, that you have a choice to make the life you want. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to do what I do today, producing LA Fashion Week and other fashion related events globally.

In this episode, I’m asked what type of lesbian I am…”I’m a Mikey Lesbian, and there should be many more of you out there!” I love my response because it clearly shows I don’t identify myself through my sexuality…I am and always will be, just Mikey. My sexuality is a very small part of what makes me, me.

Moving on to the rest of the episode, I am immersed in the throws of fashion week, scouting locations with Terri from Sunset Gower Studios… another amazing, hard-working woman I respect and admire. From day one, she never judged me, she welcomed me with open arms to the studio and for almost two years we have had an amazing working relationship. We lose our stage for fashion week and have to come up with a plan “b”, and she is always right there to help.  Go team spirit!

On to my my clients photo shoot! I love working with Jeff Wayne my photographer! He is one of the only photographers I have ever worked with who doesn’t operate through his ego… We have so much fun and truly get each other! Renee Puente is also another person I have worked with for years, what an amazing model! When you have a great team with a ton of experience it makes shooting fun! Having Raquel there was awesome too! It’s been really difficult trying to balance our careers and relationship, but we do the best we can.

I hope you enjoyed the episode! Please stay tuned for more LA Fashion Week excitement!

Honestly, this episode was hard to watch for me.  I feel like I have grown so much from this whole experience, and watching how I handle the Romi and Tor situation here bothers me. 

A little quick back story on Tor and I:  We met on a job in Florida a few months before she moved to LA.  We were there for a month and spent almost every minute with one another, pretty much instantly hitting it off.  It’s rare to find someone that shares the same sense of humor as me and it brought as incredibly close.  When she moved here, she was coming to pursue her hair career, and regarding us, our plan was to see how it went.

I had a lot going on at the time both professionally and personally and I think I panicked with her moving in and what that potentially meant.  The only reason I say out near the fire pit, “I don’t think I should get into anything with Tor,” is because I am afraid of the speed with which things are traveling, being that by default she is living with us.  I could have been projecting… I realize this.

I’m glad I can always count on Alyssa to put me in my place; and I’m not even being sarcastic on this.  A real friend is someone that tells you the things you may not want to hear….looking back on this now, I DEFINITELY needed to hear these things.

…and the plot thickens. So, here we are and there I am being a big jerk to Natalie again. I’m going through a ”transition” people!!! Seriously! :)

Natalie is real big on celebrating monthly anniversaries. Every month it’s all on me to come up with a plan. EVERY MONTH! I think it’s a great way to keep things sexy and new. With that said, can she please stop with the baby talk. I mean seriously!!! On the way to the restaurant, at the restaurant, all the freakin time. It’s crazy. Luckily for me the night takes a turn in my favor with a smooth move to get those candles lit. When that happens, she knows what time it is. One thing she and I share is an immense amount of chemistry and passion. If we could only get ourselves to meet half way, things would be amazing.

Moving on to my father. My dad is such an amazing guy. He really sees a lot of promise with me and Natalie. I know he’s pushing for me to slow down with the partying. He really wants me to pay more attention to Natalie. The pressure from both of them is taking its toll. My dad has only had a few serious talks with me. So when he came over and the conversation kind of took that turn, I knew he was serious.

Here’s the story with game night. I have game nights every month or so with my friends, Funny thing is Natalie HATES game night. She never wants to participate and is never a part of our shenanigans. Game nights have always been about me letting loose with my friends. For some reason that night she wanted to be all up in the mix. It was weird and felt a bit intrusive because she’s never wanted to participate before. Drinks, being loud, and spending time with my friends at home after a long work week is my way of releasing. Being regulated, being watched, and being told to chill defeats the purpose of those get-togethers. There are no girls, I’m not in a club, and I’m in her plain sight. Let me unwind and have fun! After constant comments, I began to retaliate. It’s so frustrating that she all of a sudden wants to be a part of it but wants to change the dynamic of what we do and how we have fun. Granted, I felt terrible for the way I spoke to her but after having a few drinks and letting the frustration take over I was at my breaking point.

I love Natalie and she’s who I want to be with. I just need to find that balance.

Ok, so I have been preparing quite a while for the moment I had to discuss my self-professed sexual fluidity. Seems like the time has come…

Traditional labels of sexual identity haven’t proven to fit me all that well. My experiences with love have fallen within a grayish area - an area that lives between the black and white walls of gay and straight. I have fallen in love with women and I have fallen in love with men and that love has grown from varying roots. Sometimes an emotional connection prompted deep affection and attraction, other times it was intellectual. And yet other times, it was purely physical.

The point is, my heart has been captured many ways in the past. So calling myself a lesbian has always felt as inaccurate as calling myself a heterosexual. And bisexual, well that label placed too big an emphasis on the desire to have sex with everyone. My experiences felt more complex. And It wasn’t until I encountered the concept of sexual fluidity - falling in love with a person, despite their gender - that I felt I could relate.

(By the way, if the concept of fluidity interests you, I strongly encourage you to read the book “Sexual Fluidity” by Dr. Lisa Diamond. Very interesting topic!)

That being explained, tonight’s episode was a bit disturbing to me because it strongly “suggested” that my fluid orientation is threatening to Nik — that because I don’t identify as a definitive lesbian, that somehow I’ll have a wandering eye. I’m actually not sure if I find the insinuation offensive or simply silly. The reality is, I am in love. I am fulfilled. I am happy. Sure I have a past, everyone does. But I found my future in her.

I know you don’t know me well (yet anyway… we have 7 more weeks to get acquainted and I promise to be less serious in future blogs!) but I take commitment in relationships very seriously. I feel fortunate to have had a tremendous example set by my parents, who are celebrating their 42nd wedding anniversary this year. Marriage is not something I take lightly, nor view as fleeting. There is not another woman or another man that will change that for me.

I actually think it’s quite short-sighted to suggest that because I have the ability to fall in love with an individual regardless of his/her gender, that I must be promiscuous. Or worse off, not trust-worthy and a relationship risk. The assumption presents a very insecure and cheap view of love if you ask me. Not to mention a tremendous disrespect to the notion of monogamy.

Tonight you saw me and my best guy friend excited to see one another after 6 months.

We hug. We grab hands. We express the fact that we missed one another. Conveniently what you don’t see is him and Nikki also hugging, grabbing hands, and expressing that they missed one another…

There’s nothing to hide. Derek and I are great friends, I’ve known him for years. We thought about dating nearly a half a decade ago and quickly discovered we are better suited as friends. It doesn’t get more platonic than that. You hear me say that there are strong feelings but my goodness, he’s a fantastic guy, what’s not to like?! Meet him and I’m sure you’d feel the same. I know Nik did the moment I introduced them. She and Derek adore one another. But again, you didn’t get to see their friendship on screen tonight.. So what you end up with is only half the picture and an unrealistic suggestion of jealousy / flirtation.

This whole thing felt very forced.

This probably feels like a sound-byte out of an episode of Will and Grace, but I find it ridiculous that a man and a woman, who are dear friends, can’t hug or grab one another’s hand without there being a sexual undercurrent to the interaction. Do people really believe a man and a woman can’t just be friends? And if they are just friends, can they not embrace? I would hug my best guy friend with as much enthusiasm as I would my best girl friend! In fact, you’ll see that throughout the season. I am an affectionate person. I’ve been told that my warmth is one of my best attributes.

So that’s my take about the perspective oozing from Episode 2. Let’s take a quick look at the play by play: (I’ve always wanted to belt out “Let’s go to the tape!”)

Firstly, I don’t get the opportunity to hug Derek hello at the airport because I’m driving. So the warm greeting you see onscreen outside the restaurant was the first true hello I was able to give him since his arrival in LA.

Secondly, he had just returned back from Asia and I hadn’t seen him in nearly half a year. That calls for a nice big hug and platonic peck in my book.

Thirdly, at that moment of our embrace, the cameras found Nikki, alone on the other side of the street. At that moment she had just ended a stressful work phone call, which she needed to excuse herself to take.

I could go on about the nuances that helped paint the inaccuracies in tonight’s show but it would be trivial. And it would only give credence to my sexual fluidity being something I need to defend.

Nikki and I know who we are to one another. We trust, respect and honor our relationship. And Derek is our biggest fan.

G’night guys. Have a great week and I’ll see you next Sunday.

“What kind of lesbian are you,” was the question asked by Ilene off camera.  I answered, “I’m labeled as a lipstick lesbian because I love to wear make-up and have my hair done… (INSERT RECORD SCRATCH HERE!)  Um hello, have my hair done!!!  How about having it done right at the very moment that I am answering this question to fix that damn mess on my head again!!!   Oh this is going to be a long 7 more weeks.

Episode two seems to be about labels.  No not Gucci, Prada or the little piggy that kept it real at H&M.  I mean sexual labels; gay, straight, bisexual and fluid.  Fluid you ask?

Well in January of 2009, there was an article in The New York Times about sexual fluidity in women.  It cited Lisa Diamond, PhD as a professor who was an expert in the subject, studied women over many years, and in turn penned a book about these studies.  After reading the piece, Jill and I and another friend immediately went out to buy this book.  We read it cover to cover, as the idea of falling in love with a person despite their gender resonated deeply with Jill.  She never felt comfortable labeling herself straight, gay or bisexual.  These terms never fully fit.

We contacted Lisa immediately after dissecting her book and in May of 2009, we cast and shot a pitch piece with my clients (directors Jesse Dylan and Alma Har’el) to gain interest and eventually pitch this idea to a network as a one-off documentary.  We have been holding on to the film, as we felt the climate and conversation wasn’t right… until now.

While sitting in the meeting with Lisa, what you didn’t see was the screening of the finished film pitch and our in-depth conversation about labels.  Jill was able to use this book and our film as a tool to help her parents understand her love for me and how serious she was about our relationship.

This of course leads me to Derek’s visit and it being placed in the same episode as our sexual fluidity meeting.  Ah the convenient power of editing!

Derek and Jill have always had a very special friendship, one that came well before our adult reconnection and one that I respect and understand.  Derek, in turn, has always been a wonderful friend to me and respectful of us as a couple.  If Jill wanted to date Derek, that would have happened many years ago, but it never did.  They have always been and remain to this day, the best of friends.

I am not threatened by this relationship in the least.  I love and adore Derek and I and love and adore Jill and trust her feelings for me.  Her “fluidity” doesn’t make her more likely to search out other partners, male or female.  She and I are very happy in our relationship, which means that neither of us is looking elsewhere.  We are committed to one another fully and are planning our future together, wedding, children… We do not take our relationship lightly and we have healthy boundaries.

Jill being affectionate to Derek as I stood across the street was taken out of context.  Prior to me crossing, I had just had a business call and the camera caught my reaction to my frustration.  Jill had just gotten out of the driver’s seat from the airport and was greeting Derek for the first time.  If I saw my best friend for the first time in 6 months I would have been just as affectionate. Don’t misconstrue affection for chemistry.  They are not one and the same.

The bottom line is that Jill and I know who we are individually, who we are to one another and who we are as a couple.  We feel so lucky to have found one another again in this lifetime and appreciate our relationship every day.    Neither Derek, another man nor another woman threatens our love or our future together.

First of all – since Episode 1, I’ve decided to go out and buy some shirts!!   I didn’t realize how much I walk around in my skivvies.  Doh!  

“What kind of Lesbian are you?” is the question that starts out Episode 2.  I ask, what kind of question is that??!!!  Ask me what kind of woman I am, what kind of daughter I am, what kind of friend I am – and I have answers.  This question frustrates me because it’s just another label that society is asking me to wear.  I’m always being put into a box, but you know what?  The box isn’t big enough!!

Coughing Kids:  Come on, wasn’t the scene where Nikos is waking me up absolutely adorable?  The part that wasn’t cute for me was the fact that it was 6am!!  Or the fly-by poopy diaper.  Just sayin’.  I get Stamie back for that in future episodes though. 

Meet MICHAEL:  He’s my best friend, confidant, and wingman in life.  And now, we have one more thing in common – we both like women!!  He’s one of my oldest friends, and I’m sure that to this day, my mother wishes that we were a couple.  He always makes me laugh and delves good advice.  Oh, and any single ladies reading this?  He’s available!! 

“Playin’ a lil B-ball outside the school” and run-ins with Whitney:  Stamie got major points for knowing how to play ball.  There’s something sexy about athleticism!  Who knew she could sink a 3 AND be funny!  Score!  After a few games, we wandered over to the Abbey with my sister and some friends.  Now, if you have never been to the Abbey before, please know that on Sunday it is the gay mecca of West Hollywood.  You’ll run into just about every gay friend, ex, and future ex-wife there.  So, I wasn’t surprised when I ran into Whitney.  It may seem staged (it wasn’t), but let’s just say I was surprised I didn’t run into the entire cast of TRLW that day!

So — lets recap.  What have we learned?

1. It wouldn’t be the L Word without a Lezzie basketball game.
2. Fly-by poopy diapers are gross! Let’s keep the romance alive, kids.
3. You should have at least one straight male friend who you can share stories and technique with.
4. Whitney has a crush on me. And Sara, Tor, and Romi.
5. Along with U-hauling and adopting puppies, you are not a lesbian unless you burn copious amounts of candles.

Max is the cutest dog you have ever seen.

…And so it begins!!! 

 One of the fun parts about being involved in this process was seeing how it brought up issues and opened up dialogue between people that were previously not touched upon or skirted.  So, let me start off by saying that you think you’ve “seen it all”, but in fact, there are hundreds of hours of unused footage that were swallowed up by the editing room floor!  I’m here to share some of that with you and set the story straight!  

At times it does seem like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, but one of my mottos in life is “Go Big or Go Home” (and before you ask, yes, that saying was stolen from my days playing softball).  This relationship keeps me guessing on a daily basis.  For instance, I’ve learned quickly that you should never get in the middle of an argument with two exes who share custody of kids.  You’ll see how well I do with this as the season progresses!  

One of my main concerns about signing on to the show was how it was going to affect my young relationship with Stamie.  Cameras add a lot of stress on relationships and we were just building the foundation in ours.  Mix that up with juggling a career as a film executive and a social life and you’ve got a lot to balance.  We’re still going strong and I look forward to the adventure that each day brings… and believe me, there’s always something!!!  Also, it still catches me off guard that my girlfriend is a MILF!  

And that brings me to….

WHITNEY, oh Whitney:  Where do I begin??

Before shooting began a friend of mine described Whitney as being edgy and crush-worthy.  My friend was right, except I never thought of the possibility of Whitney hitting on me.  When I first met her at Crown Bar she was followed by a camera crew and a small posse of women, all vying for her attention.  Since I knew we were both on the show and would eventually meet during our 10 week shoot, I took the cue to go up and introduce myself early.  Ahhh the magic of editing!!!  What you don’t see on camera is that I was there with my girlfriend, sisters, and some friends.  I also met Rose and Natalie that night.  I won’t bore you with the details since you’ve seen most of it play out, but I got the idea early that I was on Whitney’s radar.  We made plans to grab a coffee (as castmates, not a date), but with the craziness of production and life, we didn’t reconnect for a few weeks. You’ll see how it all plays out, but after getting to know her through this process I can definitely say that everything you hear about Whitney is true – she’s endearing, smart, edgy, fun, gets in a little over her head at times – and you’ll usually leave the conversation saying “Whitney did WHAT?!”

Episode One was a very “nice” introduction to the chaos and conflicting aspects of my life. Friends and partying vs. new love. Hmmmm. Who will win?

Well, here’s the deal. When Natalie and I got together I had just ended a three year relationship two weeks prior to our first kiss. All of that partying and acting out is most definitely my way of blowing off some steam. I had been in a “lock down” relationship for so long that I think went a bit overboard when the relationship ended. Natalie knows where I was before, and that is why she is so understanding and patient with my transition.

My friends are young but have seen me in my last relationship and share Natalie’s understanding. They love Natalie and love me with her, but focus on fun when I am out with them. They mean well :)

As you can see my family is very loving, understanding, and accepting. They don’t care about me being a lesbian, but more about me settling down with a good person: Natalie. As you can see they don’t flinch when the word “baby” comes up… I tend to!

My mom wasn’t around during Episode One, due to a huge fight we had months prior. We are so similar in personality that we both allow our stubbornness to take over reason. Either way, I love my fam bam!! They are everything to me. Especially my grandma!

Going out partying with my friends, acting out, and coming to a realization that my relationship comes first is a work in progress. It comes from a place that those close to me understand. I have been in this scene for over 15 years!! That’s a long, long time and a lot of unraveling to do. I’m open to it, although it is a struggle!

And so it begins!  Going in to this experience, I made the commitment to myself that if I was going to do it, I was going to do it 100%.  That commitment meant no censoring, no boundaries, nothing off-limits and no walls or doors being shut, both literally and figuratively.  Thus, now it’s time to face the music!!!

This whole experience was such a learning process for me, and after being able to relive it every week, I can see now that it will continue on that way.

Being the ‘single’ one in the cast really seems to take my normal antics to a heightened new level…eeeek.  Honestly, I am single and yes I do have casual relationships with several women, but I do try to maintain open communication as to not create misunderstanding between myself and others.

That being said, I see from this first episode that my approach could be somewhat idealistic…understatement….guhhhh.  At the airport it seems a little sketchy - I know, I know - but honestly it was just weird timing.  Tor had her ticket for about a month, and Sara planned her trip herself and that happened to be the day she was leaving.  I was not involved in the irony of the situation, but it sure appears that way!

I think what you and I both will see this season is the fact that I lust hard, I care hard, I love hard, but I fall in love with a little trepidation.  Hey…no one’s perfect….bear with me on this.  It should be an interesting ride. :)

Houston, we have liftoff. The show has officially started! I’m truly excited to see our stories unfold and am very appreciative that you’re all along for the ride.

So tonight was a really nice introduction to mine and Nik’s relationship. You got to see a little bit of our backstory, buck teeth, pigtails and all. I first met her in the summer of 1984 at overnight camp in the Poconos. As you heard, she was my brother’s first little girlfriend and I idolized her. In fact, at the time I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hang out with her or if I wanted to actually be her. It sounds a bit like the synopsis of a Judy Blume novel doesn’t it? Ironically enough, camp was where I first read Forever. But I digress…

Marrying Nik is one of the strongest certainties I’ve ever felt. She’s my best friend and my true other half. We’re really excited to plan the wedding, but as you saw tonight, I think it’s going to be quite the undertaking. Two brides with two strong wills? I can only imagine what the wedding planner is thinking about this potential working relationship!

The good news is that while our initial spending barometers are a tad off, Nik and I have our life priorities very well aligned. Kids are in the long term plan, so spending needs to be responsible.

You also saw Nik and I begin the search for our wedding attire. She’s considering a suit. I know that what’s keeping her from going the dress route is the concern of looking like a Doublemint commercial walking down the aisle, but I’m quietly hoping she’ll wear one.

On a bit more serious note, we started to address a very meaningful issue tonight: marriage legalization. I have much to say on the topic but I am afraid that if I start, I’ll max out the character limit on Showtime’s website! You heard my overall stance on the matter…I am marrying Nikki. Period. It will be recognized by my heart, by my family, by my rabbi and by my friends.

When the government wants to get on board this equality train, they’re more than welcome to celebrate this loving, respectful, dignified relationship. But our journey is starting regardless, with or without their acknowledgment…

(Excuse me while I help myself down from my soapbox…sorry about that, but I’m sure you can all understand the frustration that brews when it comes to matters of marriage equality.)

So that’s what I got. Before I sign off for the week, I do want to clarify one thing from tonight’s episode…

This was the first time in my life anyone has ever blow dried my feet.

Odd yes, but admittedly resourceful…

It was 6am, my mind was foggy, after all it was pre coffee. The producers had an idea: “Nikki, we want to make you look Old Hollywood. We have a theme here with all of the ladies, what do you think?” As they showed me a picture of a young Faye Dunaway, so elegant and beautiful, I thought, why not… they want to change my hair a bit for this shoot, not a problem. I won’t argue about it. For god’s sake, Rose has the best hair on the planet. I needed to do something drastic to keep up with her flowing locks!

Cut to an hour later of blow drying, curling irons, bobby pins and the big reveal. I looked in the mirror and thought, hmm, not really me, but not a big deal. It’s just one little shoot and I should roll with it.

Little did I know that this hairstyle would be seen in EVERY SINGLE OPENING OF EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. Did I stress every opening of every episode??

So, I want to apologize in advance for hair disaster 101 in episode 101. Unfortunately, you will be witness to this mess every Sunday night from here until August. Please do not hold it against me. :)

What I’d also like you to not hold against me are the blending hues and color schemes that Jill and I seem to be wearing together. One day purple, the next day green… This was unplanned, unscripted, uncut, uncensored, and quite frankly unreal that no one even told us how ridiculous we look!!!!!! I guess that urge to merge is really true.

Did I mention that wedding planning is a bitch? Well it is. Think about it. Two rings, plus two dresses, plus maybe one suit, minus a groom, plus two strong opinionated brides, equals one huge recipe for disaster.  We just got the “estimated” budget from the possible wedding planner, whom we’re not even committed to yet, and my bride wants to divorce me before we’re even married!

I hope we can get through this process unscathed. Until next week…