Wow! Last episode! I first just want to say this has been such an amazing experience and we have been so lucky to have shared our story. I have learned so much about myself and making babies, and this experience has only strengthened the relationship Kacy and I already have.
So much happened in this episode! I think my favorite was the ceremony Kacy put together. When you try and try to have a baby and are faced with disappointment after disappointment, you sometimes lose focus on things. My life began to revolve around trying to get pregnant and recovering from the failed attempts. You get so wrapped up in the process that you forget what it is all for. This ceremony reminded me that no matter what happens I will always have Kacy, we are already a family and children would just be an incredible bonus. It brought me back down to earth and also reminded me what an amazing circle of friends we have supporting us. We are so blessed.
Regarding Pants Vs Pumps, two things: 1. Pants cheated. 2. Scarlett and Ellie chocolate wrestling was so hot, you would have run off into the bushes too :)
Again we have come to the end of a very interesting ride. Through the tears, fights, laughs, sex, and love, we have told our stories. Although they are constantly changing and our lives are constantly evolving, sometimes taking unexpected turns, one thing remains constant and that is the openness that exists among these women with whom I am so lucky to share this experience with. It can be hard, being filmed ALL the time with little to no privacy, and your emotions and mental state definitely get put to the test, but through it all I feel I have grown tremendously as a person, sometimes having to face sides of myself that I would rather forget and embracing aspects that I am proud of. I am really happy with this episode for showing the wide range of stories and emotions that can exist in people’s lives not only as lesbians, or as women, but as people. (It also doesn’t suck that PANTS WERE VICTORIOUS at the throwdown…haha…eat that Pumps.) That was such a fantastic day and we raised money for such an important cause. It really proved to me that we can all come together and put our differences aside for something bigger than ourselves and I plan on continuing with this tradition. I know some of you might have been shocked by the final scene of the show with Sara and I getting back together and I’m sure there are many different opinions on this. As a viewer it is only natural to develop an opinion on certain characters or decisions that they have made, and it can be very humbling to hear all the varying opinions when your real life is in fact the “character”. Sara and I have been through the gamut with our relationship. There never has been a question of whether or not we loved each other, but rather, could we make it work through all of our past bad habits and defense mechanisms. Yes, she has made mistakes, but as most of you know it’s no shocker that I’m no angel either. So at this point it’s boiled down to, if all the past and everyone else’s opinions were put aside and our emotions where hurled on to the table could we make it work because it is undeniable that we have a passion for one another that won’t end…well, did it work? What do you think? Guess you’ll have to hope there’s a Season 3 ;).
Let the new chapter begin. Whit is my friend, and will always be my friend. I am sure I am not the only person who has been vulnerable after a break up. My whole life is in my hands now with no one to look after me but myself. I am excited for my life and what’s to come. I am sober and focused on my line . All I want more than anything is for my and Vanessa’s dream to come true. We have put so much love and time into the line. If Udi from Love and Pride loves our collection, we can move forward. Get the opportunity to see my work on his site. My line is a direct result of my sobriety. I would never have been able to do it if I were still drinking. I am working on something I love and excited to learn, grow and start a company.
Vanessa and I met with Udi and he was a fan! YAY! Let it begin. We are going forward and joining the love and pride family. I am single and sober and doing something I am passionate about. I am sad that Kelsey and I had to come to an end and sad about the way we spent the last few months. I know in my heart that was the best decision I made and again, could not have done if I was drinking. I love her but I love me more. The right person is out there for me. When I love me, someone else can love me.
Whitney throws a Pants vs Pumps party. That girl comes up with some creative ways for us fools to get together. I am glad this time we are having fun and raising money for a great cause. I had a blast. I wish Kelsey the best of luck in life and hope that she can get a hold of her life and maybe with out me, she will be able too. I know she can’t see it now but she will thank me one day for leaving.
I am ready for life. A life I love. A life I remember and one with endless possibilities. I look forward to making my mom and dad proud of me.
So friends, we have come to the infamous last episode. I write this with sorrow in my heart that our time has come to an end. This journey has been long, but ultimately rewarding, and that is thanks to all of you. We took deep breaths, shared our stories, bared our souls – and with a loud, resounding cheer, you have applauded our normalcy, our intense and passionate love, and our determination to continue in the face of set backs and bad days. I am humbled by the overwhelming support that has been pouring in through Facebook and Twitter, and by those we have met who have shared your stories and heartaches right with us.
Cori and I started this journey as a love letter to our future child. What we have now, is a love letter to all of us out there trying to beat the odds, to make families of our own, and to be out, in love, and so proud. You have made this experience worth it, and it is with a huge amount of love and respect that I dedicate this last blog to all of you.
As the cameras stopped rolling and chunks of our lives hit the cutting room floor, we wondered what the impact would be. Would we be lost in the shuffle? Would anyone care? When I was little, I watched a film about AIDS and HIV. It was the first time I had ever seen a gay character on film. It changed my life. Then, I saw another film, and with dropped-jaw, discovered Lesbians on film. These are my predecessors to identity. They were my compass. To think that we were able to be that for someone else is incredible, much less representing all of you out there.
And so the final lines come to a close, and I wish you all good luck, treat each other well, and love hard – with all of your might.
PS, go Team Unicorn!
Roh, roh. It was coming down to crunch time, as coming out to my parents is something I’ve managed to avoid for God knows how long… It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face since I’m the kind of person who goes to great lengths to avoid confrontation, especially when I know it might hurt the ones I love the most. At the end of the day, the issue at hand is really about love and my own happiness if you think about it. It was difficult for me because I have lived my entire life thus far trying to please my parents and obsessed with worry about their approval. I’ve always lived with this feeling that nothing I’ve accomplished was ever good enough, and that I could always be better… Ah, is that super Asian of me or what!? On top of all those crazy thoughts, I never really had any sort of gay support group or openly gay friends for that matter. I was filled with anxiety but finally came to the realization that my parents would love me no matter what and because of that would want to see me happy - not to mention the definition of gay is just that —Synonyms 1. gleeful, jovial, glad, joyous, happy, cheerful, sprightly, blithe, airy, light-hearted; vivacious, frolicsome, sportive, hilarious. Gay, jolly, joyful, merry describe a happy or light-hearted mood. Gay suggests a lightness of heart or liveliness of mood that is openly manifested…
I guess it was time to openly manifest my gayness… or something like that.
Kelsey and I go to Franny’s house for dinner with all the girls. It was so nice to not stress for a night and eat some of Chef K’s yummy food.
Kelsey was super quiet and not very social as always. Before dinner she was complaining that Whit and I always laugh together and that her and I don’t. She is right and I wish Kels and I laughed more but we have very different sense of humors. Whit and I get each other.
Later that week I planned a sweet dinner for us and right before we were getting ready I had a weird feeling Kelsey drank the night before. She was in Long Beach with her family and her phone died all night. I looked at her and said, “Did you drink?” She said looking me in the eyes, “YES!” I was so hurt and mad. I felt like her word meant nothing and that this whole thing was a joke. I realized then that Kelsey was really doing all this for me and not for herself. If she wants to go drink she can, just not with me. I had to be the one to ask her, she couldn’t even tell me her self. That hurt.
Leaving Kelsey was one of the hardest things. I hated it. I worry about her more than she will ever know. I always will but this was needed. We had to break up for both of us. I know she couldn’t understand it all then but I know one day she will. We will always love each other. I wish her the best and pray that she gets a hold of her life and makes the most of it. She is an amazing girl who has a lot of growing up to do.
Whit invited me over to keep my mind off of things. I love her and Alyssa is one of my closest friends, so I said yes. They made an inseminator for Cori and Kacy. I had to be there to see them present this miracle. The night went great and the girls loved their new gift. I hope they had some fun with it later that night. Whit and I have always had chemistry and love each other very much. There was some flirting going on and it just felt right. I left to go home but we were texting each other a lot. So I decided to come back. HAHAHAA, for the one, the only, “the Whitney”. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I am so lucky to have her in my life and yes it felt good to finally just be me. With her I can just be that.
Well, this episode proves that Cori and I do argue. What makes our arguments different is that we know that in the end, we will eventually have to come together, resolve the issue, and move forward together. This has been the hardest process, harder than her or I ever imagined when we embarked on the journey. There have been so many times when we just feel at the mercy of other things. Cori is a master of her own destiny, and being and feeling so out of control can make anyone feel insecure. Sometimes you lose sight of things when all of your focus is on this one thing. We had a ripple in our pond, the boat rocked, but together, we steadied, cast out the oars and continued to row.
I am so very proud of Francine for finally realizing and coming to terms with telling her parents she’s gay. In all my years of knowing her, this is something I know she struggled with daily. Yoko, is a special woman and she only wants the best for her daughter, but it’s hard when the culture doesn’t except your child’s lifestyle. Knowing Francine the way I do, I can only imagine how difficult it was for her; its never easy to come out but it’s even worse to live a lie.
Kelsey and I have dinner with Khristian and Franny. Franny tells me that Claire is talking crap about all of us. I’m just so annoyed that someone is assuming I just sit and play with lipstick all day. I am working my ass off and it really was insulting. Not to mention, Franny said she was putting down my friends. Just not ok to move here and talk crap about people you don’t know. Me and my friends are a pretty close group of girls, and this is not the way to try and get in.
Kelsey and I go lay in the park for a bit and she decides to tell me she wants to drink again and she is not going to be sober forever. Kelsey really did not quit drinking because she knew she had a problem, she quit so she wouldn’t loose me. It is becoming very apparent. Kelsey and I will never make it with the way she drinks and my sober life style. I can be around drinking but I can’t share my life right now with a drunk. She is sober like one week and now she is over it. I have way to much going on though to give this anymore attention. If she wants to drink so be it. Get a job and get your own place and pay for your own drinks because I am done supporting that.
I have not seen Whitney in a bit so we decide to get dinner together and catch up. I am one month sober today and am so happy to see her. Whitney has been there for me so much through all my lows and knows what a big change I am making in my life right now. At dinner she tells me how proud of me she is and it felt so good to hear that from one of my friends. I love Whit and want her to be happy and stay focused on herself as well. It felt great to have an adult conversation and just be me with a good friend.
I meet with my Business partner Vanessa to work on our jewelry line. We have a guy named Udi interested in working with us. This is like a dream come true at this point. This line means so much to Vanessa and I. So I talk to Udi and he wants to see what we got. He gives me a list of things he needs to see in order to move forward with us. Vanessa and I are so happy that anyone even wants to help us.
Franny comes up with this idea to have a dinner party and trick us all into landscaping her yard. She is a smart girl and that is why I love her. Whatever, it was nice to see all my friends. Saj is having some girl issues and I give her a little advice. This is all new for her and my heart goes out to her and her girl.
So my friend Jesi was in town and thank God! The two week wait between insemination and finding out if you are pregnant is crazy! I was hyper-sensitive to everything going on in my body. The question of was I or wasn’t I consumed me. Her coming into town was a perfect distraction from the crazy person I had become. We decided to watch my friend do her Roller Derby thing. We had such a blast and it was so nice to take a night off from all of the wondering and worrying.
Everyone told me it could take a while to get pregnant, but I secretly hoped that I was special. I really tried not to get my hopes up but I couldn’t help it. I figured all of the elements were there, why wouldn’t it work? Realizing that it didn’t take was hard. Not only was I not pregnant, but it also made me realize that this may not be as easy as I had hoped. Coming to terms with the fact that this could take months or even years was heartbreaking. We are so ready to begin our family, so all we can do is continue trying. Maybe it will take months or years, but in the end I know it will have all been worth the wait.